I brought my teenager to the high school today wearing slippers. I had to go sign her in at the office, pretty much the nail in the coffin of her death by humiliation.

(No, they weren’t these cool slippers. I wish! At least I could shuffle around and clean the kitchen floor like a human Swiffer.*)

The slippers kinda looked like they might be shoes with fur on top, but sorta not really. Angsty Teen gave me a look to kill and walked far away from me, as though I was some random slippered, ponytailed, paint-covered sweatpanted homeless woman (and not, God forbid, her mother) coming into the school to warm up.

I am a horrible school mom. I don’t do the fundraisers (4 kids in 4 different school fundraisers plus sports and Girl Scout ones? No. My kids prefer meals over curling ribbon, sorry.) The other day the PTA called me on the phone (launching a full-blown panic attack on my part, needless to say- and how the hell did they get my number?!) to come in and SORT the fundraiser after it came off the trucks. I did it, out of guilt of not buying any frozen cookie dough or magazines. Damn Catholic guilt. A kid sold $800 worth of crappity crap and won 4 tickets to the Baltimore Aquarium. Cost of those tickets? Under $100. And now that mom has to sort and deliver $800 worth of wrapping paper and frozen stromboli. I bet she buys Aquarium tickets directly next year. We should all have an ‘opt out’ option- like write the PTA a check for what we can afford. Avoiding the paperwork alone? Priceless.

In other ‘bad school mom news,’ my 1st grader packs her own lunch when she doesn’t ‘buy’ and she came home from school the other day and told me about how she had been busy in the morning and only packed a yogurt and a drink. She said the “nice school lady” ** came over and brought her a turkey and cheese sandwich. I was like ohhhhmmmyyyygoddd my kid is that kid that the school thinks like can’t buy lunch. Wow. Such a proud motherhood moment. A good mother would obviously be MAKING HER CHILD’S LUNCH. But me? No, I’m sure I was blogging away while my poor angel ran around packing her own lunch in the morning. #momfail

While I’m in confession mode, my son also went to preschool with two different socks on- he had picked them out himself (what’s that?? they serve three meals a day in jail and you don’t have to match anyone’s socks? Sign me up.) and didn’t want to change them and I didn’t feel like arguing.

And in a final ‘bad school mom confession’– I sent my kid to the wrong school one day. Well, there had been a traffic accident and the bus was stuck and didn’t show up, so just as I was piling 3 of the 4 into the car to shuttle them, another bus driver pulled up- she informed me that she was a serial killer kidnapping my kids was picking up this bus run and asked me which schools they were going to. I gave her the school names. After school my 11 year old told me she’d had a hard time convincing the bus driver that her mom had said the wrong school name (I gave the elementary school she’d gone to the year before) and that she really attended the Middle School. So now I don’t even know which schools my kids are attending. Sheesh!

Reader note: I wrote a post about ‘not the whole list but just the top ten’ reasons I’m a crappy mom, so I hope you’ll go check that out.

I’m sorry? What was that? Why am I pimping out posts from last goddamn March? Look, it’s NaBloPoMo*** and I have to write a post every day this month. So give me a break!

The RV trip from yesterday’s post seems to be really taking off. I am officially now looking for an RV company to ‘lend’ me an RV to drive around the universe (America was too small- we have to pick up Kathy in Germany) and then arrive at BlogHer ’10 in NYC next August. Read the comments of yesterday’s post- they’re a hoot- apparently we can just valet the RV, though I think it would be more fun to just park it in front of the Hilton and use it for a party bus between sessions.

Which reminds me. I have applied to be a speaker at the BlogHer ’10 national blogging conference. Wanna hear me speak? Go nominate me here! I am proposing a writing track session called “The Write Stuff” that will cover the relationship between professional freelance writing and blogging. I’d love to meetcha!

See you tomorrow! Becuase blogging every day for a month is FUN! (twitch)

*not sponsored by Swiffer. HA! The only way they’d buy an ad on my blog would be for me to clean up my act. Get it? Clean up my….nevermind.

** obviously code for “Social Services who are soooo coming to haul my neglectful ass off to jail.”

*** which I keep calling different random acronyms. On twitter I suggested #WhoYoBlo for Whore Your Blog, but then my pal @ooph suggested that this particular hashtag could be interpreted as “Who You Blow”- and I don’t want anyone to get followed by more girl-giving-head avatars. Speaking of pornbots, are you following me on twitter? I’m @marymac and sometimes my tweets are like mini blog posts (wait- can they count as a blog post?? I’m on that this month…) so come on by and join the fun.