Want to know what bloggers do when they’re bored?
Well, Facebook and Twitter addictions aside, we check Google Analytics. This is a little report that our search engine friends offer us to show the origins of our blog traffic. It shows a handy map of the universe world and where our readers are, which keywords led folks to our sites, how long they spend on the site, etc. Unfortunately, there is no tracking for ‘how many times people leave your site because it is too vulgar and trashy’ or else I’d be checking those entertaining stats as well.
While it would be easy to stalk that report every single day, I tend to check it about once a month. (Otherwise I would drive myself nuts with “WHY DID MORE PEOPLE READ ON MONDAY THAN WEDNESDAY?! DID MY WEDNESDAY POST SUCK?!?!?” and stuff like that.) I just basically like to see that over time, I am gaining readers (since if, over time, I was LOSING readers I would be a proven L-O-S-E-R). Also I love seeing the map for Australia, Canada and Alaska where I have a lot of readers (for some reason… mayhaps because they are GORGEOUS, FUNNY AND AWESOME in Australia, Canada and Alaska! The comments on my last post include the word “MATE”- isn’t that cool?!)
(marymac is overly animated for some reason, which totally shows off her wrinkles.)
So yesterday, curious if my TV appearance (on, here’s the clip, I’m at the end: ABC’s Moms Get Real with Juju Chang Wednesday*) created an increase in traffic, I stalked my Google stats. The answer was- nope, not any measurable increase. (Yet?!) Oh well. But what I did find? There’s a cool report under Traffic Sources called ‘keywords’ where you can find out what people typed into search engines to find your blog.
In this report, I learned that, not surprisingly, the most commonly searched keyword phrase was “Pajamas and Coffee.” And what is the second most common combination of words used to bring people here to PJ&C? Any guesses? “Funny mom blog” maybe? Nope. God, no. The second most common keywords used to find this blog are:
FRUMPY HOUSEWIFE. (dramatic echo: frumpy housewife, frumpy housewife…)
Yep. That’s me, people. I am so proud to be BOTH frumpy AND a housewife. Dream come true.
But wait, there’s more.
Here is an ACTUAL LIST of ACTUAL keyword phrases used to find our friendly neighborhood Pajamas and Coffee blog:
- chin hair
- fried twinkies
- booty shaking in pjs
- fat bitch
- feel like a crappy mom
- grocery store whores do anything that fits
- 40D boobs
- old big butts
- bad soccer mom
- gay gargoyle
- crap on the internet
- fat ghetto freaks
- my husband is a douchebag
- animated inflatable breast
This is truly a telling list, readers. I mean, wow. First of all, I didn’t realize there were a whole bunch of ‘grocery store whores do anything that fits’ enthusiasts out there. Hello, grocery store whores fans! Um. You guys rock!? Wow. This is awkward.
And what about the ‘my husband is a douchebag’ people?! SHOUT! What are you guys up to? What’s that? Oh, anything that fits? That’s cool.
And hey, fat ghetto freak people! What’s the latest on Jerry Springer? (JERRY! JERRY!)
(cricket, cricket, chirp, chirp)
See, I thought my audience was like you know, moms and bloggers and stuff- but apparently only the bad soccer mom fat bitch 40Dboob grocery-store-whore chin-hair douchebag-husband fat-ghetto-freak people with gay gargoyles eating fried twinkies and shaking their booty while wearing pjs are into me, and you know what?
That’s actually pretty cool.
* Funny things about TV appearance:
1. I am grinning the entire time, like an overly caffeinated cheshire cat or a psychotic jack-o-lantern. My husband Bob said I was lucky Juju Chang’s next question wasn’t “What are you so happy about? Are you HIGH?!”
2. The clip shows a screen shot of Pajamas and Coffee. Which post? WIENIS ANXIETY. Yes, the word ‘wienis’ has now appeared on national television. That’s me, bringing trashy to the masses.
Happy Labor Day Weekend, peeps!
Gay gargoyles are awesome. You need a gay gargoyle fansite.
I totally love the Google Analytics map thingy majiggy. I always wonder why someone from the Philippines is reading my family stories. Then I think maybe I don't want to know, you know? I've never looked at the keywords because I've been afraid to find out exactly what they were, which I think your list proves that feeling was right. However, now I think I'll look because they probably couldn't be worse than yours…=) Great interview, and I'm totally jealous! When you get famous just remember us little bloggers and plug us every now and again! Please.
Sincerely,
The old big booty shaking in pj's with 40D boobs fat bitch [Hey, at least my top & bottom are balanced...]
Holy eff! "Are you HIGH?!" I just snarfed my coffee. And it hurts my nose. Thanks a lot you bad soccer mom fat bitch 40Dboob grocery-store-whore chin-hair douchebag-husband fat-ghetto-freak lady with gay gargoyles eating fried twinkies and shaking your booty while wearing pjs.
I am never again reading your blog while sipping coffee. You are hilarious.
Laughing.so.hard.that.I.am.crying. AGAIN!
Thanks for making a crappy day better. AGAIN!
Oh, and you looked BEAUTIFUL on tv!
People search for the strangest things, but funnier that it leads them here. Probably not what the grocery store whore searchers were expecting, LOL.
And congrats on the interview!!! Great job:D
Oh crap that is GREAT! I think we should all have to print out the top ten and bring them tonight!
LOL! That's one of the funniest blog posts I've read in awhile! :-p It's really amazing the things that people search for….
Oh and is there a clip of your TV appearance anywhere? Would love to see it!!
–>That made me laugh.
Most recently people have found my site by typing in "Trick golf balls in Virginia" and "topless mom."
http://www.websavymom.com
Oops, nevermind… can't believe I missed it the first time! :-p You did great! And I can totally relate… my girls have never had any problems with separation-anxiety. Which is great… but at times I wanna say, you could miss me a LITTLE… :-p
Laughing so hard – between the segment and this post I don't even know where to begin. Love that the Wienes post got live airtime and that frumpy is the new cool! Your husband's comment was hysterical but what takes the cake is the spidey T-shirt that one of your little guys was sporting on the TV pic. LOVE IT!
Happy weekend,
Lisa-Jo
all my google searches are porn related, I can't decide if I should be flattered or horrified?
You did great on the TV interview! And your hair definitely looked 10x better than JoJo's. Does the woman even own a hairbrush?
OMG, this is hilarious. All the more so because I'm assuming it's true. Like Nina, "gay gargoyles" stuck out to me. WTF? There are some crazy people out there!! Now I'm going to go check what phrases are bringing people to my blog. I'm kinda afraid to know…
Okay, so you were WONDERFUL!! A true class act and muchos charming – take a bow, Marymac!
Your husband's comment? Awesome.
"…they are GORGEOUS, FUNNY AND AWESOME in Australia, Canada and Alaska! The comments on my last post include the word 'MATE'- isn’t that cool?!"
Ahem…I believe I can most certainly take credit for calling ya 'mate' on that last post.
As for the 'gorgeous, funny and awesome' bit, aw shucks…
"Gay Gargoyles" – could be a good band name.
"Animated inflatable breast" – what the Dickens?!
Tootles, me matey!
GOODNESS! that was GREAT MARY!! You are so freeking adorable! and you looked great.. spoke wonderful, made AWESOME points. Wow. Loved the bus point.
wow.
You can hold yourself down to monthly? Wow, I am on my site stats several times a day (and I don't check from work). I'm sure I have a bit of a problem since every check is "yep, still two hits. Hi Mom! OOO who's THAT?!" Maybe I need to post more often than once per lunar cycle.
My most exciting search word was "Monster Boobs". It came from Istanbul. Very exotic. It was to a post about Monsters vs Aliens (and boobs). Sorry Istanbul. But now you'll get hit with it too! You're welcome.
This Canadian thinks you're awesome, but checks her site stats at least three times a day.
Great interview! Thanks for supporting teachers and calling them professionals! I needed that today!
Sharon
Hahaha. I LOVED the clip. Great job! It's nice to see you didn't barf on camera. That would have been embarrassing. I found out about you from another mommy blog—thanks other mommy blog!! As I mentioned before, I'm not a mommy…but I will be someday. Hopefully not anytime in the next 12 years [ahemexaggerationahem], but reading mommy blogs helps me know how it really is…cuz I only read the honest ones. I really do enjoy your bloggie! It's so fun and funny. And kids are adorable. Just other peoples' kids…I'm nowhere near ready for mine yet.
You know I'm new to your blog, but who knew I was jumping onto a crazy train of fried twinkie-eating-fat-ghetto freaks?!?
Laughing my gay gargoyle butt all the way to grocery store.
I'm so addicted to Google Analytics, but for my personal site. I like to see which family members are stalking Alex's progress (or who's obsessed with our upcoming wedding…that I just announced a date to, lol).
I use site meter for my blog, which I like better for real-time updates, but wish it had a better way to sort data
errrr Alexa…not Alex
You are hilarious!
Oh my god… I just found your blog and I LOVE you! It's your fault if I don't get a goodnight's sleep because I'm up reading all the previous posts.
You were awesome! OMG, you're becoming a star! Squeeee!
I think more than "are you high?" I would have said "you seem pretty happy, so I'm guessing your kids are in school now"
Just saw your ABC thing on ABCnewsnow- it is Saturday night around 8. I sgree with your comments and find your blog quite funny
I will be reading from now on.
You crack me up! And you did great on TV…
Muuah!
I LOVE the keywords section of Google! Whenever I'm feeling down, I go in and take a read and it never fails to leave me (a) stunned (there's a lot of pervy perversons out there) or (b) laughing hysterically.
Here's a couple of mine (I won't list the pervy perverson ones 'cause they're….well pervy)
Star Wars Icecream cake (I've never mentioned a star wars cake in my entire blogging life)
MILF Victoria Nurse (because I'm known for my hot nurse costumes (?)
Dracula (Uhhh….no….I like Edward who's sparkly and romantic. Not Dracula who's all dark and evil)
Rank of Canada Furnace Brands (One time I complain about our furnace and am now forever branded)
Lactating MILFS (see? Perverts)
You were great on the tv piece!
I so want to see the picture of the gargoyle…read the post that it linked to…and acccckkkkk no picture!!!
I too get a kick out my analytics. My all time fave was the dude (I presume) who found my blog by googling "spanked wife stories". Seriously? Dude? Move on… I have strict no spanking policy – particularly when it comes to – um – me.
The most disturbing? Some perv found my blog by googling "daughter's panties". Creeps me out in such a large way.
K
I just watched your very first TV appearance, Mary! You looked great – very pretty, in fact – not at all like a frumpy housewife. And, the smile? It gives everyone something to think about – keep 'em guessing. You came across genuine and relatable – to the rest of us "cut the cord" kinda moms. Loved it!
Oh, my goodness, I watched the video of you and you are so sweet and kind…
Much laughter.
Loving your site, mate! (have to say that, being that I'm Australian)
Christie
http://childhood101.blogspot.com/