So today I had to drop my infant son (ok, he turns 4 next week) off at preschool for the first time this year. He went to the same preschool last year, loves his teacher. Loves his friends. Had his little talking Cars shirt all picked out, backpack packed, and he was happy it was his first day of school.
I thought I’d be fine- I had cried it out last year, when the youngest of my four children, who had rudely REFUSED to keep nursing after 18 months, deserted me in favor of a rolling Cars backpack; he didn’t even look back.
So we get in the car with Ollie, our 8 month old Cavalier King Charles Spaniel (see Bobby before getting dressed and Ollie, above). Ollie is riding in the back with Bobby. Because he is a relentless lap dog, he is trying to get into Bobby’s lap, which is difficult considering Bobby is in a car seat. Then I hear this, from the backseat:
Bobby: “Ollie’s steppin on my wiener.”
Oh, geez.
Me: “Bobby, did your sisters teach you that word?”
Bobby: “Yeah. And he’s steppin on it.”
I shove the dog to the seat beside the wie- beside the kid.
Me: (clearing throat) “Bobby you know the real word for that is your penis. Wiener is… like a nickname. Right?”
Bobby: “Molly and Faith don’t have a wiener.”
Help me, Tom Cruise.
Me: “No, honey, your sisters…girls don’t have a penis.”
Bobby: “Then how do girls pee?”
HolymotherofGodprayforme. This is NOT. HAPPENING.
Me: “Um, honey. Girls have a vagina, and we sit when we pee.”
Bobby: “Ollie has a wienis, too.”
Me: “A what?!”
Bobby: “Ollie has a wienis, and he is still steppin on my wienis.”
Why, Baby Jesus? Why have you abandoned me?
Me: “Ok, honey. Look! We’re almost at school!”
So we made it there, finally, without future talk of wienises and vaginas with my infant son, who now for some Godforsaken reason knows about girls sitting down when we pee.
Then, when I dropped him off, I cried. I can’t believe it happened. I just started crying. My baby, at school. (Of course I was like SEE YA when the highschool/middleschool/elementary school girls started last week). So now here I am, blogging on a Tuesday when I don’t even blog on Tuesdays, because my youngest kid left me in favor of a sexy mistress of a playground, and Speed Racer lunchbox, and happy nappy time.
But wait. First day in the house with no kids? Shouldn’t I be lying out by the pool boy with a margarita? And don’t I no longer have NO EXCUSE to have an insanely messy house?
I should be celebrating. But I’m just not used to the quiet.
Quiet sucks wienis.
_____________________________
Tomorrow: a post on how’d-it-go and what’s-goin-on-with-that-TV thing. And, hopefully, a link. Unless I look like a double-chinned douchebag, in which case I will be all.. “What TV show?”
OMG! Katie told me the same thing! "Opie's stepping on my weiner!" was how she phrased it. But of course she does not have a weiner (or a penis, either) so our conversation went a little differently!
Yeah, he's a little delayed in the weiner talk. If he had an older brother, like my precious angel Ricky has Bobby (my Bobby, not yours), then one of his first words would have been pee pee and the constant grabbing of it. Boys! Aren't they gross!
LOL! What IS it w/ little boys & penis fascination? I'm getting the same questions from my 3 y.o. & I really don't want to go there. Where's his dad when I need him?! Mine starts school Thurs. & I cannot WAIT. Of course, I may surprise myself & shed some tears.
My 4 year old is very very proud of his wienis – in fact, it features regularly in his line up of thanks during bed time prayers. He also likes to remind me that he has a "wienis" and I have a "Gai-na."
I really enjoy reading your blog, it cracks me up. You remind me a lot of my mom and the type of mom I'd like to be one day–neither of us really fit in, but we both love to write and laugh. I actually just started my own blog if you'd like to check it out: ideclaire.wordpress.com. I'm really new to all of this, so I've actually taken some inspiration from you…. hope you don't mind!
Hahahaha. Totally entertaining to a non-parent. I'll recoil in my own horror when I have that moment with my not-yet-existent kids.
CUTE dog!!!
Girl! all I could do was laugh…that was so cute and funny! I'm still laughing on the inside, as I write! Lord, baby Jesus, I just love those kind of real stories! My son has 2 sisters as well and he knows more about a Vagina then the law should allow! Hang in there, I feel your baby boy pain, mine is 11 and I still feel it, every time I think about him loving another woman!
Loved it, thanks for sharing with the Mom-Me-Dearest crew,
–Mommy Dearest
I, at 29, use the word weinis way too often for my own good. Although usually, it's referring to the "douchewhistle weinis" in the left lane on my commute home.
Quiet is so awfully quiet, innit?
Your blog should come with a warning label. Thou shall not drink coffee whilst reading – I swear you make coffee come out my nose at least twice per blog! Be grateful that he waited until the tender age of four! My three year old enjoys discussing his thoroughly – asks me why it is getting bigger, why I don't have one and why his baby bro's is so much littler! The fact that even the nurses at the hospital when he was born commented on his, ahem, above average size, makes me think that the weinis talk is here to stay! Hope preschool went well!
Forgot to add that this occurred many many many years ago. She’s 17 now and knows what a penis is. OMG, I don’t WANT my 17 year old to know what a penis is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yikes!
Oh yeah, I remember that. Wait until he figures out the correlation between breasts and milk and how girls are kinda like cows, right?
It will happen. Oh yes. It will.
Ha! Things I have to look forward to!
That is one of the funniest things I've read in a long time. The hubby and I were both literally laughing out loud.
OMG! You crack me up girl! As the mother of two boys, I am fully versed in the weinis speak, and I caught my 8 year old explaing what "Balls" are to his two year old brother today. I honestly think that this girly girl was blessed with two boys so that God could have a good hard laugh every day.
OMFG, I just peed myself.
LOL, that is the best! Golly, I can’t wait to have THAT conversation w/ mine. Just having to SAY vagina. Gah!your son is adorable btw!
Hahahahahah.
"Weinis" – hee! Well, it definitely makes me giggle. Apparently, I am now five-years-old again.
Bobby is adorable; I mean, just look at that sweet, bright smile! Awww…
"Help me, Tom Cruise…"
Bwah! Makes me think of that Scientology 'recruitment' video where he says something along the lines of when a person has had a car accident, only a Scientologist can help.
Uh, SUUURE, you f–king crazy-eyed WEIRDO!
::takes deep breath::
Relax…he can't get us.
Although…he IS presently here in Melbourne where Joey Potter is finishing shooting some thriller. Er…
(Oh, and she'll always be Joey to me…I like to be in self-imposed denial about the fact that the girl who used to date Joshua Jackson during early Dawson's Creek – who is both strapping AND taller than her (!) – decided that 'Scientology's Finest' was the love of her life. Pfft!)
Girl down Under: Cracking UP over here at your Dawsons creek reference! So true.. so true.
MaryMac, – SOOO hand fanning myself in an..um overdramatic hand fanning fashion.. ah, forget it, – THANK you for even gracing my blog with your ama zingly kind words, and you my dear are no HAG at all, atawl! I believe you are a rosey shade of LOVELY.
Also, I have a nagging lower back pain called ADDICTED TO BLOG DESIGN, and ANYthing remotly involved with digital scrapbooking, so it makes me feel all squishy inside when people like it, so thanks.
And about Come On Eileen, totally with you. Indeed is a cult classic, even loved the 'Save Ferris' version. You know, when SKA was ever so popu-lair. It was my e-mail address for YEARS and an old blog name untill I started getting the horney hits, and and an overabundance of porn related e-mail… so, I changed it.
I so look forward to keeping up with you!
@ Eileen: Heh heh…glad to have been of amusement.
Joey and Pacey belong together…BELONG, I say!
All I'll say is, that Diane Kruger is one lucky beeyotch to have snared Josh. 'Joey' can suck it!
Ahem.
yeah really! Im with ya a ziltion percent GDUnder!
I just watched the E! story on DCreek… Katie is such a lame floppy fishie compared to how she was, (because I nnnnnooooo her so well!
Im heading over to your blog now to check u'z out!
This made me laugh out loud "holymotherofgodprayforme"
Thanks for the smile!
How cute is that, I can just hear him in his little boy voice. I only have girls so no weines talk in this house…well now it is the 'please avoid them" talk lol
xx
Sorry for teaching the kids what a wienis is! Hahaha
"the little rough patch of skin on your elbow."
I guess Bobby took it the wrong way?
You kill me!
Every freaking blog post you have, sends me straight to tears… (Help me Tom Cruise? Seriously? Where are you from and how can I get it?) Of laughter that is.
Don't ever censor your amazing humour, I will look forward to more posts that send me cackling.
Lots of love from Canada!
- K
Ok belated comment (as per your anti-Tar-jay request) – this is hysterical – and yes celebrate an empty house and don't worry about if its messy, we don't have kids and the hosue gets messy all the time. I blame the dogs. Not their fault, blame them anyway.
Brahm´s last blog ..Holy crap, the internet says I'm dying!
Love your blog and love the insights as to motherhood.
The best part of not having children is being able to say "Go ask your mommy/daddy" when something like Weinies comes up.
(altho, I have been known to just answer and upset said mommies and daddies LOL)
I just learned about the wienis a couple months ago. Has my education bee so lacking that at 28 I have not discovered the proper name for the skin on your elbow….
Miranda´s last blog ..Friday 56
I have 7 year old twins who are a boy and a girl. Luckily they learned a little about the differences early on… I'm still not looking forward to some of the uncomfortable conversations that will undoubtedly come sooner than I would like them to!
OK, 30 isn't a lot of comments?? Man, send some of your readers my way! I'd be thrilled to have 30 comments!
The weinis talk reminds me of the time my son (age 7) asked how the baby gets out of the mom's belly. And I said, "Well…it comes out through the woman's vagina." He looked shocked and said, "How big IS that hole anyway???" And then I died.
Suzy Voices´s last blog ..How Could You??
LMAO!!! My little man is only 13 months old . . . you have given me something to NOT look forward to!!!
Nicki´s last blog ..
you guys: thanks for coming back in time to read an old fave post of mine- i don’t write about my little boy(friend) much but he is a true sweetie, and so are you guys for commenting- THANKS!!!
Too funny!
When my daughter was a toddler, she happened to walk in the bathroom while my son (who was 6-7) was peeing. She looked at him standing in front of the toilet . . . looked at me and said "I want to do it that way too". I was at a loss for words.
Keep it up!
HeSaid/SheSaid´s last blog ..Can You Vacation for Free?
Hey! I can pee standing up! It's just really, really messy.
Elly Lou´s last blog ..Grumble
that's positively the BEST COMMENT EVER.
xoxo
OMG! Too funny. My grandson's distinction between he and the fairer sex is that he has stinky balls. He's three, his dad taught him that – nice.