Pajamas and Coffee

Dear Alarmingly Large Black Snake Living Near My Driveway,

(eating one of us is just going to make you look fat)

Hey there, Mister Slither. Listen, I admit that when I first saw you the other day, I was scared. Am assuming that was the effect you were going for? I mean, I was just trying to jump into the car with the kids because Faith had saved her money for a Webkinz. But there you were, you sneaky little dude, right beside the driver’s side door. I want to apologize for the blood curdling shriek I let out when I saw you. As a grown woman, there was really no reason for me to go and break every window and drinking glass in a five mile radius of my house with that scream.

I want to thank you for the entertainment you provided the children. My 11 year old, Molly, spent ten minutes trying to get your portrait on a cell phone- and, really, thanks for holding so still. Honestly, I was a bit worried- I thought you were dead, because you did not move for so long. I think you were quietly giggling to yourself while you were playing ‘snake statue’ because you knew me and three of my kids were edging closer and closer to you. Then, when you suddenly turned your glossy little black head and slithered out your very long, black, dual-pointed tongue, we were all close enough to simultaneously shriek again. Well played. I have never heard a snake laugh before.

I admire your complete lack of fear in us. Seriously, why be afraid of several things hundreds of times larger than you, with opposable thumbs, piercingly yelping louder than a car alarm? Your chillaxin attitude is worthy of acknowledgement. Also, I love your choice of locations. Why peek out from under a flowering bush in my little Garden of Eden when you can be right next to the car door I’m trying to enter? The younger kids climbed in on the other side and rolled down the windows, so they had a fantastic view of your little matinee performance.

I was especially enamored by that slight lurch forward toward me that you made before you turned and made your S-shaped exit. Really, I am sure for any good comedic snake performer, causing an audience member to need a panty change is worth a few high-fives with the other reptiles down at the local watering hole.

I just wanted to warn you of one thing- you know, just FYI. I happen to have an outdoor black cat the size of a small goat who eats rabbits, squirrels and birds like chicken nuggets. Know what she also likes, besides planning the untimely death of our family dog? Mice, and those creepy eyeless vole thingys. Now, I don’t know what YOU eat, maybe the big red apples you leave for me and Adam, but I just want to say that if you eat any of the above mentioned critters and Licorice sees you, she will turn you into snake sushi so fast you’ll be able to see what she had for breakfast while she digests you. Not to freak you out or anything.

Thanks for the Knowledge!

Love,
Eve

P.S. Garden rent is $1000/month- pay up on the first or I send the cat.