Skinny Bitch?
21
I hate dieting. Ask my husband about the time I worked for Nutri System after college (cuzzz wtf else was I supposed to do with a Psych degree??) and lost 20 pounds for our wedding. I was a PSYCHO, and gained it all back on our honeymoon sucking the leftover butter out of other people’s lobster cups. Since then, I have done various shit (LA Weight Loss, join gyms, Slim Fast bullshit, etc) and basically not kept off any of the 30-40 pounds that seems bolted to my ass, tummy, thighs and arms since the arrivals of my four kids.
(Note to authors: if you want your book to skyrocket to top of NYT bestseller list, get Posh Spice to hold it in a picture. Note to Victoria Beckham: dude, is that your nipple, or do you keep an extra LifeSaver in your bra in case you get hungry?)
I am just the sort of loser these very thin former model-turned-authors (my favorite!) are talking about, but I never in my lifetime would have bought the book Skinny Bitch (as it only describes me 50%). The fact that celebrities were reading it? Less of a chance I’d read it.
So when my vegan teen daughter returned from drama camp last weekend (you should already be feeling sorry for me because I just used the words ‘vegan, teen and drama camp’ in the same sentence) with a copy of the book that she’d picked up at the college bookstore, I was curious. A little.
Then I read it, and while I enjoyed its shameless use of vulgarity, it confirmed my suspicions that I am a carnivorous, fat assed, stupid, lazy middle aged housewife.
I mean, I totally dig the whole vegetarian/vegan vibe- my kid was a vegetarian for a year, then she went vegan (no dairy, no eggs, no freakin HONEY because the bees are ass-raped while it’s made or something for chrissakes) and I am just used to it. I respect her decision, admire her commitment, and think it sucks that I can’t find soy yogurt without driving 20 minutes.
This does not mean I want to give up cheeseburgers.
Oh, and the book doesn’t just tell you to give up all meat and seafood (I live in MARYLAND! If I didn’t eat crabs in the summer I would probably be like expatriated and have to seek asylum in my hometown of King of Prussia PA, and they probably have embarrassing pictures).
The book also tells you to give up DIET COKE AND COFFEE.
Let me just let that echo in your brain for a minute.
Diet Coke AND coffee (offee, offee).
Turns out the aspartame in DC is like eating our soul or something, and caffeine is killing our fat asses, too.
But dude, at least we’re awake.
I think the whole Skinny Bitch thing comes down to two things: money and access. Would I buy all organic, all local, happy roaming stuff if I could afford it and it was readily available? YEP! Heck, would I have all my vegan, localvore meals prepared for me by a hot chef dude while the hotter personal trainer waited to take me for my ‘workout?’
Absofuckinglutely.
Til then, I try to buy organic milk (MILK WILL KILL YOU! says Skinny Bitch, by the way, and did you know that WE ARE THE ONLY SPECIES ON THE PLANET THAT DRINKS THE MILK OF ANOTHER ANIMAL? We’re FREAKS, people!) and I always pick the free-roaming happy chicken eggs, but dude on Sundays, mama needs some bacon with those happy eggs.
Sorry, pig.
Looks like I will have to settle for being a fat bitch.
I totally have that book and was laughing out loud at the restrictions. (coffee, coffee, coffee)
Whatev. That is why I run. I run for chocolate and butter and CHEESE!!! Maybe we can go in on a hot vegan chef together?
Thoughts?
I’m prepared to meet death and fight it with my sword of coffee and shield of diet coke. I WILL PREVAIL! (Clearly I should’ve stopped before my third cup this morning…)
I hated, hated, hated this book! I eat like crap, and know I need to change my habits. Loved the start – stop with caffeine and sugar (for me, absolutely impossible, but I know they are right…) don’t drink cow milk, etc. Got it…lots of it makes sense, but lots was so unnecessary.
I’ll be a fat bitch right along with you…I’ll bring the cheeseburgers.
I swear I stay skinny by NOT eating meat.
Sure I eat cake and ice cream and goodies daily. I couldn’t give up sugar if my life depended on it.
I read this book too and laughed out loud. Seafood is a staple in my diet also…being a fellow Merlinder.
I’m not sure I could bring myself to carry that book in public. I’d have to smuggle it out of the library in a brown bag and read it secretly at home.
I do believe in the “asparthame is evil” thing and have tried to cut much of it out, but give up coffee? Prepare for WWIII if someone took my coffee away.
John and I BOTH lost significant weight before our wedding and both of use gained it all back during the honeymoon! My diet: Lean Cuisine and Diet Coke. John’s daily 1,000 calorie diet: 2 Pizza Hut Salads and a 6-pack of Miller Light.
I can so totally picture you sucking the butter out of other people’s lobster cups. ROTFLM(fat)AO
Chips are my thing. LOVE EM. I don’t think reading a book would help my addiction with them. Love the post, It’s great!
Aren’t we the only species that cooks our food as well? I think apes would dig ice cream if they had the equipment to produce it
Hilarious! I will have to remain a fat bitch also. Kicking sugar out completely? Uh…no. I only wish it were possible. I can do without the Diet Coke; but, the coffee must also stay.
Maybe we can all be a part of a fat bitch group, now that all of us are commenting here. It’s like a big herd of us. Hey, maybe you can change your blog name to be more suitable for this fat bitch convention.
so if i put 2 squirts of my breast milk in my coffee, does that make me less of a freak?
i. dont. think. so.
haven’t read the book. don’t plan to.
pretty sure the side effects of following everything that book says are giant lifesaver shaped nipples!
You are a freakin’ genius with words. My little bro’s ex-girlfriend who is still around all the time recently lost all kinds of weight and got all model skinny and super-detox-watch-what-you-eat psycho. She comes over from time to time and goes through my cabinets and points out all the shit that is gonna make me fat(ter) and my kids stupid (seriously, I thought we broke up with you!). She informed me that this is a must read (which means I didn’t) if I want to turn my fat life around (which, I don’t). No way in hell I’m giving up diet anything, it’s the only thing that keeps me from going over the top. I did get that Eat This Not That For Kids book so I’m trying at least where the kids are concerned. Although, I did just give them all Pop Tarts for breakfast (with a milk chaser), so yeah. I suck.
I think “Fat Bitch” would be a cool name for a blog- but a WHOLE CONVENTION really sounds like fun! omg we would have the. best. food. We could totally get sponsored by like Oreo, Doritos, Godiva and umm…. like Absolut, so we could make chocolate martinis and stuff.
OMG funny little side story- so i typed in http://www.fatbitch.com to see if it was taken, and ummmmm, let’s just say there’s a tab called “Fat Ghetto Freaks,” who… if you ask me, should get their own website dude cuz who doesn’t want to hang out in the ghetto. (There’s also a “Freaks of Boobs” section- not sure if breastmilk in coffee is included?!)
Love you guys. Thanks for readin!
Oh my goodness. I laughed so friggin hard at this post. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I will not buy this book. There are a lot of things I don’t/won’t eat, but these women are nuts!
To marymac — A Fat B!tch convention sounds like a blast, count me in!
Uhm, my bad. The “to marymac” part of my comment was supposed to be up top! I think my laptop wigged on me. :OP
Here is their dirty little secret. THEY ALL SMOKE. Yes, even the so-called vegan organic ones. Gwyneth Paltrow, Jennifer Aniston, Victoria Beckam, and the list goes on.
Glad I found that. Laughing my ass off. Thanks!
Niiiice.
I just want to say that Skinny Bitch NEVER mentioned sodium. Which made me happy, since Ramen is about 99.7% of my diet.
And soy sauce. And fritos.
At least they don’t ass-rape the salt. Right, mom?
lmao
Forget the diet. I’m back up at teen, drama, camp, and vegan in one sentence. I’ve got 3 out of 4 of those with boys but if one went vegan, I’d have to send him to eat off the front lawn….I wouldn’t know where to start!
Yeah, I read the book too. No way I was giving up Diet Coke. Not too long after I married hubby his oldest daughter (16 at the time) came home and told me that she had decided to be vegan. My response was that she should probably learn how to cook then because her dad was a meat and potatoes guy and I wasn’t going to start cooking multiple meals.
She was vegan for a day.
I read the book too, out of curiosity, but I was vegan from before. The book says a lot of truth about foods which is educating but I know how sometimes it is hard to avoid sugars, alcohol, white flour or even coffee. Personally i don’t drink coffee or d.coke because i don’t really like it but my mom does and I know how it would look impossible to cut it out. The book has also a chapter dedicate to anti-smoking and by the way Gweneth Paltrow is not vegan so let’s not bother with was celebrities do.
I also read the cookbook they made “skinny bitch in the kitch” and i was disappointing by all the recipes that called for fake meat and cheese substitutes that most are heavily processed[they also include sugar in them] and not very healthy. So I don’t get after reading their first book why the would suggest that type of meals.[the do have a few that are not processed and sound healthy]
A pure healthy diet to me means that you should eat unprocessed food and mostly raw as well, which can be hard to maintain for a lot of people.
When I became vegan I never expected my mom to cook for me as she already cooks for the rest of the family, and that’s how I started to get into cooking and starting my blog and actually eating much much better but that doesn’t apply to all vegans. You CAN be an overweight junk food vegan.
You post was a great read!
Oh how I luuuurve you! Diet Coke won’t kill me before the fluoride in city water and toothpaste. I’m certainly not going to quit brushing my teeth. Oy