Hump Day: Clone a Willy
65
The Clone a Willy kit (sent to me by sex toy gurus at edenfantasys.com) experiment, as you can imagine, generated quite an interesting bit of conversation in our marital household in the past week.
Let me take you through it on a step by step basis.
First, you will need a willing willy wearer:
But then there’s a whole like water-has-to-be-exactly 98 degrees, two minute timer part and it gets a tad confusing. If you’re me. You definitely need TWO people for the cloning of the willy- a dude could NEVER do it on his own–and I would suggest a third, THE HOOKER, to keep the willy moldable for the whole process.
Because, really, am I supposed to be slutting it up at the same time I am mixing, measuring, and molding? Sheesh! What do I look like, some Playboy version of Julia Child?
I had asked BOB about this- like how are you going to be whacking the willy while cloning it? Which led us to a discussion of his early masturbation habits.
Me: “So did you have like porn or whatever when like you first started spanking the monkey?”
BOB: “20 Minute Workout.”
Me: “WHAT?! The 80s big hair chicks with the leg warmers?! I used to WORK OUT to that! Sounds like guys were getting a workout, too!”
So then I of course bring a laptop to the kitchen and play this:
(Watch. I’ll wait.)
BOB was RIGHT! Those girls were ho-tastic! Who knew?
So now that we had ‘background’ soft 80s workout porn, we got down to business. And by ‘business’ I mean me trying not to laugh hysterically at the freaking HAIR SPRAY they must have been using and how whore-iffic those girls really are- are they actually bumping their butts together?! This is more like lesbian porn! Hahahaha!
And guess what we did end up needing, after all?
(Ok, he was right, I guess, he did need the SPECIAL instructions… but it’s more angled than crooked. I would like to point out that he appreciated the comments of ‘his brethren’ last week. I believe more awareness needs to be brought to these SPECIAL men. Where’s the twibbon?! The Facebook groups??!!)
Um, and I’d show you a picture of the outcome… if there was one. We totally screwed the whole thing up (I’m still not sure what we did wrong, but at least the tube didn’t get stuck permanently on him) and ended up with something that made it look like crooked was nothing compared to his severe elephantitis.
No way was I going to be inserting THAT vibrating mass of plastic: it more resembled the willy of a water buffalo that ran into a helicopter propeller than that of my husband. I’ll stick with the real thing for now until edens brings in the big guns and sends me something I can really use when he is out of town!
#cloneawillyFAIL!
Wanna try?
Maybe YOU willy have better luck!
Leave a comment here and enter to win your own Clone a Willy Kit.
Guess what? There’s also a Clone a Pussy kit. Do you think I could make that shit up?
Bob was an amazing sport- I am not sure I’m willing to take that one for the team. Or maybe I could, and then like auction my cooter on ebay.
You know, to raise money for Crooked Penis Anonymous.
Support my sponsor:
OMG, I so remember that work out show… Poor BOB… Um, no don’t need a clone a willy kit, dont got a willy to clone… LOL.
Tawnya´s last blog ..New Developments
Eek — sounds messy! And I’m sure that was a great workout back in the day — you can tell by their hair.
Andrea´s last blog .."The Rainbow Connection"
it’s all about the hair.
thats funny.. your husband deserves a prize for that… Hope he got one
Grabbed you button
vodka logic´s last blog ..Follow up
i just want to thank you for grabbing my button. no one has ever told me that before, and i think it’s totally hawt.
HAHAHAHA!!!!! TOOOOO FUNNY!
Michelle´s last blog ..?Owwwwiieeeee My nose is broken
Bwahahahaha! I am dying! The special instructions threw me over the edge!! And I will never look at another workout video the same way again!
Michelle Pixie´s last blog ..My First And Last Time
me either!!
Bummer about it not working for you. Blob-o-vibrator doesn’t sound schmexy at all.
Big Hair = funny!
lol on the un-schmexy blob-o-vibrator!
This is hilarious! Unfortunately, I don’t have a willy to clone so no need for the kit.
But I would totally clone my pussy…multiple times…and sell it online, ha! Totally kidding…maybe
.
P.S. I’m commenting because I love u!
Vanessa´s last blog ..Just shy of the big 2-0
Wow! That is funneh! I want a cloned willy! Like I said last time, I’ve been trying to talk the hubby into it. Every time we go into the naughty store I work on it. I’ve even tried the ego approach:
Me: I need a new toy.
Him: So buy one.
Me: But nothing is as good as YOuuurrr toy!
Him: -_-
Angelia´s last blog ..Where’s The Line?
Um. Is that Linda Ronstadt in the workout video? Makes me think that “Blue Bayou” is about blue something else.
Elly Lou´s last blog ..How the FDA Gave Me HPV
That workout video is so Porntastic that I’m still stuck on it, despite the fact that you wrote an entire hilarious post about cloning your husband’s willy. I mean, that video is out of control. I have so many questions – did they hire porn stars for it? Why do they keep making the porn sex faces? Is that their real hair? Why do they keep smacking their hair into the floor? Why are they exercising in such close formation? And I’m not sure anything they are doing really counts as exercise either. Why doesn’t Jane Fonda jog in and punch them all in the face? Why! Just Why!
Megan at Acorndreaming´s last blog ..Money is the monster under my bed
I can’t answer any of these questions but THANK YOU for asking them– HILARIOUS!!! I honestly think your comment is funnier than my post!!!
Clone a Willy Tip: Do not try and sneak in a water buffalo penis to replace your own. It will not work out.
Crooked Penis Anonymous (CPA) thanks PJ&C for the mention. I am sure we have a lot of excited members (heh) out there.
One positive out of all this was being reacquainted with the 20min workout. Ah, the memories. Though, I still don’t know what to do with the other 18 minutes.
And did marymac suggest a fluffer at one point????
um.
That is awsome! I would love to clone my husband’s willy. It does sound complicated though. I couldn’t even do one of those hand mold things with my son so who knows what would happen shoudl I try to make a penise mold. I love that you whipped out the 80′s workout for “inspiration”. It sounds like it was fun even if the final product didn’t come out quite right.
Sabreena´s last blog ..Getting to Know You Sunday (on Monday)
LMAO !!! Thanks for including us all in this hilarious process. Although I am slightly uncomfortable knowing that your husbands Willy is crooked. Like, Really, as a guy, what am I supposed to do with this information? LOL
It will definitely make for an awkward ice breaker if I should ever meat him at a cocktail party. When us guys ask “How’s it hanging?”. Technically we really don’t want to know the logistics.
With that said, I definitely plan on ordering a “Willy Cloning KIt”. My only question, do they make one for black guys?
Brett´s last blog ..African Americans Boycott Black History Month
yes, yes we do.
-Becky @ Empire
People are staring at me I am laughing so hard at Coffee Bean. THAT is HIGHlarious.
p.s. Do you think Brett really meant to spell “meat” your husband that way to mess with us?
Stefanie´s last blog ..change has come
i wondered the same thing…intentional ‘meat’, Brett? And um, yeah, there are more “diverse” kits
Stef: Snorting out coffee while reading Pajamas and Coffee? I think I owe you advertising money for that shit!
OMG, I just actually watched the video! HOLY SHIT! They put that on TV?!?! I love the slow motion hair flips and the looking pouty into the camera. I am amazed that ANY man at that time would leave the house.
Tawnya´s last blog ..New Developments
OMG. Who is that good sport guy who modeled the kit for you?!
my husband!!
That was freaking hilarious! Wow, talk about taking one for the team. If I tried to get my hubby to do that and then blogged about it he would probably kill me. Most likely by beating me senseless with the clone-a-willy itself.
the good news? that particular method of homicide would DEFINITELY get your blog back in the New York Times…
I remember this workout! So bizarre!! And please don’t enter me in the willy/pussy kit contest. I just can’t imagine.
But you’re so lucky to have a husband that will play along with you! What a good sport!
Suzy Voices´s last blog ..Work In Progress: Part 1 – Exercise
oh come ON you know you want it
“for a friend”
I seriously love your writing. What a good sport your husband is.
Nolie´s last blog ..Happy St. Patrick’s Day
based on the illustration on the box those people are working with a willy as long as the lady’s forearm…wow. i have forearm envy.
A man who would do clone a willy with me… that’s my new #1 criteria! And he comments on the blog too! You are a lucky woman Marymac!
lowermainlandmom´s last blog ..Day 60
Can I just say that BOB is awesome?!?! Totally!!!! And I laughed my butt off and the crooked penis instructions. Too funny!
Christina´s last blog ..Karate Update
Lowermainlandmom and Christina: omg you guys are so right. he is the awesome. what would i do without him? i think he must take special medication like under the table just to be able to put up with me!!
the Japanese just had a big penis festival. maybe you could take the result to a karaoke club & pawn it off there . . .
a penis FESTIVAL? how did i not get invited? i am so pissed at Japan.
My hair isn’t big enough to exercise
And is it wrong to watch an exercise video while eating chocolate?
We tried the Clone-A-Willy before my husband deployed. It was interesting. If you don’t do the crooked tube trick, and need to- you get flat sides LOL
Jayme´s last blog ..Ryan Update
this is going to be my new excuse for not exercising. MY HAIR IS TOO BIG! lol …LOVE it!
and yeah, the kit should totally come with a hooker AND a willy chef.
I agree that Bob is an amazing sport!! Bravo Bob!
Those women in that video…wow. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen that one with the darker bigger hair before..I think she’s my Greek neighbor…LOL (no seriously…they all still have 80′s hair here) Too funny!
Gadgerson´s last blog ..Strange how many Irish people I’ve met today….
in which case? you should totally get her autograph
Holy Mother of Crooked Penis, isn’t Bob just the most supportive hubby ever! Way to go on the porn selection seriously, he really knows how to live it up! I was so laughin my ass off watching those puffy haired locks swinging away and asses wiggling..holy crap I’m still in pain!
I swear if you start a FB fan page for crooked penis awareness I will totally join. That shit is awesome. xxx
Mesina´s last blog ..Ask Me: How to make a blog button
I’m just astounded that BOB modeled for us, complete with his face in the picture! Too funny, and you’re both good sports! Eden got lucky with you both
Kimmy Davis´s last blog ..Shiver by Maggie Stiefvater Part 1
Okay I had it so wrong when I first imagined this. I had a picture of you pressing poor Bob’s erect phallice into a block of plaster, all hand print style. I was thinking god that’s going to hurt, especially how hard you have to press your hand in those things. Phew crisis averted.
Michelle R´s last blog ..Hailstones, Hairy Legs and ‘Arse Illnesses’.
How freaking sad is it that I could totally picture my mom in that video since I swear she used to do Jane Fonda aerobics in THAT EXACT SAME OUTFIT?! (Although, I’m pretty sure she wasn’t grinding her ass on any other women at the time.) Anyway, thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing your hilarious experience w/all of us! It’s too bad you couldn’t have had a “Ghost” type of moment when you were cloning your husband’s willy. That scene was so hot!
nuckingfutsmama´s last blog ..Grin & Bare It Books
OH MY LORD!!!!!!!
Deanna – The Unnatural Mother´s last blog ..I ♥ Food
I love it! I went to a stagette where we started with watching ‘Puppetry of the Penis’ to warm us up for the evening haha. My husband was none too thrilled when I came home very very drunk and tried to mold his penis into a hamburger
I wonder what he would think of cloning his willy. hmmmm….
thank you for the insight and saving me the money and time of buying one!!LOL most of all thank you for the laugh!! btw i snatched ur box for my blog!
Bree´s last blog ..SAT -UR-day!
He is brave. I am not.
NEV-AH would I do that….
I do rememeber the 80s porn-ish workout tho – that was always a tad strange….
Brahm´s last blog ..Vile crap beneath the snow…
I am one of those 80′s workout women, ala Flashdance and all. My one thought while watching the 20 min. video was–were they all dry humping the LARGE penis in the middle where their butts were meeting? I could just imagine it somehow . . . and the slo-mo—so totally “come hither let me fuck you” workout. I wore those same outfits, but minus the big poufy hair. I have photos of me in them, proof I weighed about 90 lbs less than I do now. I used to teach aerobics, and at minute 4:00, did those same leg swing-around manuevers. Bring the knee UP to the face, then SWING it out and around like you’re about to round-house your neighbor! Ayee!!!! Totally ruin your spine, but hey, it’s all for a good cause (at least it was back then).
I think only those in the 40 yr old category can truly appreciate the memories this video brought. Oh, yeah, and all the penis talk was cool too!
Ah, Flashdance and penises. Good times!
Your husband is a god among men! My husband (who is fairly easy going and usually does whatever the hell I tell him to do) would NEVER have gone along with this. You’ve got a brave one…and one with a great sense of humor!
Lucy´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday: Happy St. Patrick’s Day!
Alright, so I will admit that not only did I already know about the Clone-a-Willy kit, but I have tried it… twice. The first time was an utter disaster! Followed the instructions to a T, but things just didn’t work out. The second time we came out with something usable… but it was still no clone! I think you’re on the right track with needing a hooker there to help out! Not so much for the assistance of keeping things moldable, but to have another woman to help with the time and temperature sensitive nature of the task at hand. And, so she can clean up all the mess afterward!
check. hooker AND Willy Chef.
You want to write Hump Day topics AND he’s willing to participate – is it just that my husband hardly ever wants to participate in things or are you guys a rare match?
Cranky Sarah´s last blog ..My marriage is not my parents’
I now know more about Bob than I ever thought possible
HA!
oops- TMI for the neighborhood picnics?!
MY GAWD MaryMac. You’ve found your calling. Your sex toy reviews are amazingly funny. I’m not sure if you’re the pornstar Julia Child or Martha Stewart… This struck me as a little more “Martha Stewart’s Topless Christmas- complete with Elephant Vibrator.” *shakes boobies*
PS- Bob is an awesome sport.
txtingmrdarcy´s last blog ..Coconut Water, and Other Things You Probably Shouldn’t Try.
I always wondered what my calling was. Mom will be so proud.
BOB is the best! And your Hump Day posts are great, I eagerly await your sage advice every week!
I would love to clone my man’s willy and he would be totally UP for it..heh
for men with extra angle in their dangle, it may be beneficial to get extra molding powder and cut down a 32 oz or big gulp-type cup to fit…., er, accommodate the extra action. also, once that curve is molded – be careful putting in the lady finger vibe – don’t want to impale through the silicone.
The 98 degrees/minutes is to help the customer. if you drop it to 96 degrees – it takes longer to set up. higher temp, less time. then you have to take into mind holding the erection…you know, a $1 cock ring is a lot cheaper than a hooker and/or a chef.
haha.
–Becky @ Empire
http://www.empirelabs.com
http://www.facebook.com/empirelabs
http://twitter.com/empirelabs
http://www.myspace.com/cloneawillykit
How is it that I DIDN’T have the phrase ‘angle in their dangle’ when I wrote this post?!
Also, I have never actually been the purchaser of a cock ring (the song “If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it” comes to mind) but $1 seems totally reasonable! 
(thanks for the Clone a Willy contact info!)
Um, yeah. Best post ever? You’re one of my twitter followers and now I just wanna bow down to your blog –
and I might just want this kit, ya know, for my…. friend’s friend.
You are too funny…I don’t think my hubbie would ever let me post this but he totally wants to try out the Clone a Willy kit! I just don’t think the JCPenney ads of girls in bras from his adolescence will quite do the trick anymore – just guessing
Totally the best post!
Bah! You’re killing me here!!!!
I don’t know I stumbled upon this, but am very glad I did. This was friggin hilarious, can’t wait to read more of your stuff.
Stacy with no E´s last blog ..2 and a half reasons to blog today