Some of my readers may recall a certain sexual encounter with an icicle I had recently. Then, when I wrote about household objects people are shagging, I discovered that folks are digging the ice cubes and the popsicles.

In this spirit of love for all things frozen, edenfantasys.com sent me a Touche Ice Big Egg vibrator to try out. (Runner up for the title of this post: How to Lay an Egg)

My husband BOB, ever the enthusiastic and willing partner in the trying out of Things in the Box from the Sex Toy Company (heh. box.), read the instructions and did the actual freezing. Meanwhile, we both had munched on our Horny Goat Weed. I must report I noticed no difference in my libido, only that I started “Meeehhhhh“ing more often than usual. Upon asking if he thought the Horny Goat Weed worked, BOB’s report was this:

“I mean, I’m horny.” to which I of course responded, ”But you’re always horny.” Not much of a review, I know.

Anyhoo, I charged him with going down to the freezer and assembling my little frozen friend.

I would like to point out that the instructions clearly state “this toy is NOT meant for full-on penetration.”

So I am like trying it out and then I make BOB go get a towel because obviously there is ice melting all over the place. He brings the towel after mumbling something about being my Key Grip.

I don’t mean to state the obvious, here but DUDE! That muthafucka is COLD! Screwing an icicle seemed like a fab idea when I had guzzled down half a bottle of Pear Absolut but now? Now I’m shivering. But in a good way- I mean, I have to say, I liked it’s little icy eggness more on my bodacious tatas than on my….

…well, let’s be fair and keep it on here for awhile. Buzzzzzzzz……. hm, yeah, I can see it. I like it. It’s little icy bullet head thingy is cool and then I decide, regardless of the instructions, to get a little more intimately involved with it.

Oh, yeah. It’s officially a dicksicle now.

And then do you know what happened? Can you guess??

Two things, actually. One: the ice mold part melted off and ended up inside my cooter. So I am like digging around to retrieve the ice cube I just made passionate love to, and then I notice something else.

My lady parts can’t feel anything.

I tell Bob: “It’s frozen.”

“What?” He says. “The Toy?”

“No.” I tell him. “I think that thing has worked it’s way up into my lungs. My vagina. Is frozen.”

(Laughter)

“I think I have an ice box now.”

(More laughter)

And Bob? After he, my Key Grip, was done laughing?

He got to bring my nether regions back to room temperature… so all was well in Horny Goat land.

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(Read a full, very graphic description of the icy sex toy here.)

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