Pajamas and Coffee

So I had this little freak-out at the grocery store.

There was a sale on cereal. For $1.49 a box, which is really cheap. My kids (ok, BOB and I) eat sugary kids cereal by the seeming truckload, so I was going to stock up. Plus, we are expecting like two feet of snow around here, so everyone in our panicked Maryland small town was like stocking up, so it was in the air.

For some reason, I checked the little list hanging by the cereal, which told you which brands were on sale. Cocoa Pebbles? Check. Raisin Bran? Got it. Holy crap what are Cupcake Pebbles? Yum! In the basket. Then I saw “Alpha-Bits” on the list.

And for a second, I froze. Ohmyholymotherofgod, how come we never eat ALPHA-BITS?! I used to eat those ALL the TIME when I was a kid. We used to spell our names on the side of our cereal bowls, using the partially-milk-dampened-but-not-too-soggy alphabet letters because they stuck just right. My children need to learn the important life skill of creating ideal alphabet letter adhesion!!

Why have I never seen Alpha-Bits in this store?

I NEED ALPHA-BITS!

Then, for some reason- possibly because I stubbornly refuse to take much-needed anti-psychotic, anti-depressant and other mood stabilizing medications, I had like a tiny cereal nervous breakdown (which has honestly only happened to me one time before, when I couldn’t find the Count Chocula, Boo Berry and Frankenberry trifecta at Halloween).

I approached the very young, very innocent grocery store manager type and (twitching) said,

“Do you know that your store does not have Alpha-Bits? Are you trying to derail this great nation’s literacy progress?? You might as well start burning libraries down, you High Fructose Corn Syrup Pimp, you! HOW ARE MY CHILDREN GOING TO LEARN TO READ!?!?!?!

He stared at me. And then asked me if I wanted a rain check. As though? They were OUT of them..not REFUSING TO OFFER THEM on the SHELF. I was all “I’ve never seen them in here” and he was all “I can see if we can order them” and all the people in the 10-people-long snow-crazy toilet paper and milk line were all “Should we call 911 and have this psycho freak removed?”

And so what did I do? Marched over to the Campbell’s Soup section and bought 4 cans of Vegetable Alphabet soup. So that my kids could work on their name-spelling and bowl-adhesion skillz and maybe still get good jobs one day. I mean, half the reason I’m a writer today?

Yep. And I hadn’t even realized it before:

Alpha-Bits.

*and? how much fun would like Alpha-Bits poetry slams or haiku contests be?

UPDATE: Cupcake Pebbles PROOF: