Happy Hump Day!
30
I have a lot to learn about sex.
I know, it sounds funny, since I am 40, and have managed to have four children.
But I wrote a post about a duck sex toy, and I had fun. And now? I am thrilled to announce that I will be blogging for Edenfantasys.com every other Wednesday, right here at Pajamas and Coffee for “Hump Day Wednesdays.” So if you were a fan of my Fuck a Duck or Jiffy Lube posts, then stop by here on Wednesdays to continue laughing at me for being a repressed Catholic housewife.
And in reverse? If you are offended by my talk of sex, skip my Wednesday posts (and go hang out at Jesuslovesme.com or whatever douchey web hangouts you have).
For today’s post, since I’m working with edenfantasys.com I am taking a little tour of their site to see what’s going on in the sex forums. Since I am a humor blogger (um, on days when I’m funny) and not a like porn blogger, I always look for the humor in things. This is going to be a defense mechanism or cover-up for the fact that I am trying to avoid writing about certain types of sex* at all costs.
So here are some examples of what’s up (heh) in the sexual discussion arena, which brings us to:
Today’s Hump Day topic on Pajamas and Coffee: “Perverting Household Items”
Actual question asked in sex forum:
We’ve all done it…taken normal, everyday things, and turned them into sex toys. Condom covered cucumber? Clothespins as nipple clamps? Wooden spoon (or spatula!) for spanking?
(Random Thought: Now, look, I’d be all about the wooden spoon spankfest after a coupla Jack and Diet Cokes, but dude, if you’re fucking a cucumber you need a BOYFRIEND or at least a dildo, ok, Salad Shooter? Also, is there a reason you need the condom on the cucumber? Like you’re afraid you’re going to get impregnated by a vegetable??)
Oh, and some of the answers to that question? Included vibrating razors (minus the razor part, for chrissakes…), crayola markers, electric toothbrushes, ice cream scoop, massaging shower head, jumbo crayons, plastic tubes from bath confetti, cold water bottle, vibrating cell phone, a recorder (the MUSICAL INSTRUMENT), the ‘King Size tube of m&m minis”, Barbie legs, a Sharpie (“not the cap end”) and the ever popular: fishing tackle box used for sex toy storage. Oh? And the seam of your jeans seems to be a hot choice, as well.
And my favorite quote/perverted household product of the day?
“Marbles (just pop ‘em in! And make sure you COUNT them when you put them in and take them out *cough*)”
My fave because the counting tip cracked me the eff up.
Dudes. Seriously? I am huge Sharpie-aholic and I do not know if I can ever look at one the same way again. At least she’s not getting that cap stuck in her hoo-hah, yes? And why is everyone raiding the kids’ art supplies? Sheesh! And, um the Barbies?? (“Mommy, I can’t find my Barbie’s other leg…”) Really?
And um, if you’re fucking your cell phone, you have issues. What if someone calls, dude? And it’s like your mom? GOD! I mean, I guess if you had a headset you could be all “Hold on, Mom, I need to find the handset…” but that is just awkward.
So who wants to be brave and add to this astonishing yet hilarious list of “Household Things We Fuck”?
*anal
Visit my sponsor:
Unfortunately (actually, I feel fortunate) I have nothing to add to your hilarious list of “Household Things We Fuck”.
I do have a question…these people who are getting their freak on with cucumbers, barbies and sharpies are discussing those experiences on a forum that is connected to an online adult toy store, right?! Why the hell don’t they just buy actual sex toys from that store and quit raiding their fridges and kids’ art supplies?!
Cyndi´s last blog ..One Night In July
Excellent, excellent point. Spend the money, avoid the permanent marker drawings on your ass when you accidentally use the cap end.
Oh that’s NASTY! lol. But I agree with Cyndi…you’re at a sex toy website…buy something. Seriously.
I can’t say I’ve ever perverted anything household at all. I pervert my fiance, who is often in the house, does that count? heh
Sarcastica´s last blog ..Bullets with no rhyme or reason
Candles (and not to light and use as atmosphere). Although body heat can make them sort of warp a little.
And don’t fear the asterisk – you’ll be writing humorously about anal before you know it!
wren´s last blog ..Handcuffed Hottie in a Hood, part the third
There may, or may not, have been an episode with ice cubes. I’m not at liberty to speak.
middle-aged-woman´s last blog ..Spin Cycle/What I Meant to Say Wednesday Mash-Up
LMAO!!!!!! I had a friend that would only say word after a night of fun: POPSICLES!!! To this day I still haven’t found out they did with those popsicles!!!
You have ruined Sharpies for me, likely forever.
Unfortunately have heard of the cucumber thing before (and no I have not…)
Love the sex blogs, though make me feel sooo unhip!
Brahm´s last blog ..Superbowl Sunday: I’m skipping the whole damn thing
Damn. Ok, I need to start reading sex-toy porno forums, apparently.
Intrepid Eddie´s last blog ..Sportin’ Wood for the TSA
Marymac, have I told you lately that I love you?
because I do. Your blog is often the reason for me getting into trouble at work. But I’m cool with that.
oooooh I could think of a few to add to this but Husband and I tend to be quite adventurous…? imaginative? .. Well, we get bored easily so we like to keep things fresh, for example, if my son ever found out the location of where he was concieved I’m pretty sure we’d scar him for life.
P.S. husband has nick named me butt pirate…. >.<
Eve´s last blog ..Argh!
I would suggest that the cucumbers that are grown in my garden are actually quite prickly and therefore would require a protective covering BEFORE coming in contact with any of my most precious body parts.
And to add to the list, turn off the lights and get out the glow stick…
Miranda´s last blog ..Contest Bar
Well. At least no one mentioned their pets.
Ice cubes are fun! And they disappear, leaving no evidence…………
AmyLK´s last blog ..Its Sunday!
I barely find the time for my husband let alone anything else in this house. I feel enough obligation to putting things away in their proper places. To think that I owe THAT to them too is to much to bear. They’ll just have to deal with the pantry or coat closet-for now.
Pleading the Fifth!!
Suzy Voices´s last blog ..Training Montage
My hubby used ice cubes once, and I agree, they’re fun and disappear pretty quickly! You are hilarious!!!
Ice cream scoop?
Melia´s last blog ..The Body Scoop for Girls
I swear each post i read of yours gets funnier! LOL…I couldn’t stop laughing.
Some items we’ve used, like, ice, chocolate syrup, are pretty normal. I can’t imagine in my right mind doing anything with a vegetable, my kids toys or something that I write with, but hey, that’s just me, I guess I’m not that open-minded…LOL….
Anywho, I can’t wait to read your next post and I can’t wait especially to read your next Hump Day post!
I can’t think of anything in my house that I fuck other than my man. LOL
Michelle´s last blog ..Happy Friday!
Uh, not adding personally here, but my husband is an emergency room nurse, and you would not believe the items that get lodged in people’s arses. Flashlights, large rubber balls, series of golf balls, and a vibrator that was vibrating from the inside for hours. So my motto is, don’t put anything there that you would be embarrassed to have the Emergency Department laughing about later.
Andrea´s last blog .."You can’t always get what you want"
DUDES the shit on the toy sites cost money. this shit at home is FREE!!!
Pammy Pam´s last blog ..fasting
I can’t imagine using any of those things. Then again, I’m a bit repressed myself.
I did laugh myself silly the other night when I was taking a bath and dh came in and asked me if I needed a rubber duck. Made me think of your post!
Is it wrong that I had “My Humps” by the Black Eyed Peas going through my head as background music whilst I read.
I don’t get the ice cream scoop, especially if it’s one of those with the bit that scrapes it out of the spoon part. All that clicking has potential for injury! But hey I guess it’s a case of whatever floats your boat.
PS I can’t look at a rubber ducky now without blushing
Michelle´s last blog ..Frankie Says Relax: 12 More Pages Guest Post
Nothing to add to that list.
And congratulations on your sponsored posts!
Sophia’s Mom´s last blog ..My Ikea Dream Home
I’ve heard of:
The handle of a vacuum (while it’s running)
Carrots
Computer mouse
Congrats on the sponsorship & look forward to reading more!
Nice blog and I really like it. Post more and I’ll follow your blog.
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:O
I have never screwed a household object. Ever. I’m not even being all shy here and not admitting, I’ve just never done it. Not while I know I have a rabbit upstairs that could do the job way better than barbie legs. (omg Barbie legs?!?!?! She’s so skinny!) For the record it’s not a real rabbit….no sicko thing going on here. Those in the know..will know. Those not in the know, just buy a Rampant Rabbit and make your life a better place. Dew it. For me.
And for your salad drawer in the fridge. And all future barbies.
Mesina´s last blog ..Chicks on Sticks
I watched an episode of Real Sex on HBO and they had a pair of underwear with a pocket you-know-where so you could use your cell phone for stimulation. I thought of that again with this post. It would be totally gross if you were “using” said undies and your mom or kids called you. I don’t think they are that great of an invention.
P.S. I really like the new blog look.
Sabreena´s last blog ..Mommy Fullfillment, The Illusive Beast
Heeeee ooooly shit Marymac that is funny as hell. You have a gift for being funny and erotic all at the same time. I do believe you should give your hubby more credit for always being willing to help you out in these adventures. Keep up the good stuff, I love to read your every post.
Great blog and articles. keep up the good work.
Ok the condom on the cucumber is to prevent germs fromt he skin from ahem entering a more sensitve area ( I used to sell adult toys I have heard a LOT )… Hall’s cough drops are a wonderful replacement for oral sex candy especially if you have access to a fan that you can set up in line with the ahem receiver of the oral job lol that’s all I am saying..