Pajamas and Coffee

Ok, Cybertopia.

You asked for it. I posted on Friday about what you’d like me to blog about. The answers were quite interesting. So, today, I will try to mini-blog/respond to my readers’ suggested topics.

You guys: Thong underwear vs. Spanx vs. boyshorts vs. going commando?

Me: Commando.  I am too fat for panties (too many lines) and dude, when a thin-challenged girl sits down, Spanx just rolls down into like some kind of nightmarish Spanx tortilla that you have to like try to unroll when you stand up and… no. My vagina would eat thong underwear like a snack. This would be all awkward at the hospital when I was explaining to the surgeon that my vagina ate my underwear and he would need to surgically remove it. (Possible bonus: tummy tuck and lipo during same operation?)

You guys: Evil Cheerleaders.

Me: Evil cheerleaders suck. I am trying to be politically correct here, since I happen to know one of my most loyal readers is a former high school cheerleader, which I DO NOT hold against her! Ahem. Dude, no one likes an evil cheerleader. They’re pretty, have great bodies, get all the hot football players because they’re sluts and are generally condescending to everyone on the planet other than their evil cheerleader counterparts. At night, they all get in their Evil Cheerleader Spaceship and return to the Evil Cheerleader Planet where they eat air for dinner, do each other’s nails and talk about everyone back on that trashy-ass planet Earth. Also, they fuck each other’s boyfriends, because that’s cool on their planet. Unfortunately, they stay on earth after high school and become evil bloggers make the rest of us continue to deal with them.

Pammy Pam: “I saw a book called something like how to be a babe at 40 something. Maybe yours could be how not to be a babe or how to be a milf?”

Me: So, Pammy. I would totally read and have fun reviewing a book on how to be a babe at 40 something- since I will be 41 in May. However, since you requested mine be on how not to be a babe I guess I’d say that post would include advice from me on eating Slim Jims while drinking Jack Daniels, being bitter and jaded towards most people and life in general, and wearing sweatpants/baseball caps every day. I think I’d be much better off writing how not to be a babe than ‘how to be a MILF’ because I don’t think anyone thinks I am a MILF, so I honestly don’t know. How to be one. Am guessing it’s pretty much watching stuff I do and say, and then doing the opposite of that.

Marie: Please justify my family’s obsession with the Wii.

Me: Dude, I totally can’t help you, mainly because my family is totally obsessed with the Wii, too. Particularly Rock Band. We started with a basic Guitar Hero obsession, moved on to Rock Band, then Rock Band 2 and most recently Beatles Rock Band. My four year old sings Yellow Submarine. I rock some lead guitar on I Saw Her Standing There. We invite our neighbors (AR & fam) over so we can play against each other, and the kids dress up and talk trash and stuff and it’s a ton of fun. Other recent Christmas Wii obsessions include Wii Resort, and I was doing Wii Yoga (though I liked the Boxing better) on the Wii Fit until I decided I needed to go back to actual Yoga class where I started last week. I love the freakin Wii, and I don’t think of it as a ‘video game’ because it’s something our whole family (with my 4 kids varying in age from 15-4) can play together. God, Wii should totally advertise on my site. (note: I still like my 1982 vintage Ms. Pac Man machine the best…)

You Guys: Your new neighbors!

Me: Ok, I blogged about the Redneckxtdoor neighbors. Since then I have been terrifed they are going to like find my blog and come and mount me on their wall next to the heads of things. Honestly, a few people have moved in but they’ve told me a few times about their problems with the moving van, so all the babies aren’t here yet. Also, one of the men came over today and offered to help me stack firewood which was totally nice and he said his name is Luke but his nickname is “Boner.” Do you think I could fucking make that shit up? So, I want to blog about them (because, dude, it’s a treasure trove of potential bloggery) but I’m scared they might get internet access and another one of my neighbors who hate me (there are one or two..ahem) is going to tell them I’m talking about them. What do you guys think I should do?

Adam: still waiting for the sex toy review!

Me: Adam, (and my other 2 male readers), you’re in luck. I received ‘the item’ for review this past weekend. So, if I try the thing out one more time finish up the post, I’ll run it tomorrow. So now you have to come back! hee! Aren’t I a pagehit-generating gangstsa? Oh, um, and I would also like to point out that another sex product company has approached me with a deal and that other review will run next week and I have two questions. Why do sex company people want a repressed recovering Catholic (who doesn’t still wear the slutty plaid skirt) writing about them? And: why can’t Slim Jims and Jack Daniels send me free shit and get me to write about them? How many Slim-Jim-and-Jack bloggers are there?

Leslie Ann:  “Girl ~ I think you should write about pajamas and coffee!! You know like lingerie vs. blanket sleepers, or sleeping in the guys flannel shirt (or his boxers). Do you prefer coffee or latte or cappuccino (what’s the freakin difference?!). What do you put in it, one lump or two? (or maybe some irish cream or Kahlua)”

Me: How in the eff have I not blogged about Pajamas and Coffee yet? Sheesh! Ok. Um, I love Bedhead Pajamas, and am not just saying that because they have hooked me up with a pair to wear and the pair I gave away at Christmas. I just love the quality, so I’m all like hoping they’ll hang out here at PAJAMAS and Coffee. I usually have them folded up next to the bed, waiting for morning, because I normally don’t sleep wearing anything. Not because it’s sexy (it’s not) but because I think I am like starting menopause and I have night sweats and want my bedroom to be 30 degrees. Sorry, hubby. I do not know what the difference between latte or cappucino is, I’d be equally happy to have either because it would mean I was at a cool coffee shop instead of home with four kids (I even settle for a McCafe drive thru when I pick up a Sausage McGriddle and hash browns yummm). I have a Senseo single-cup machine I like, but me and BOB use an old school percolator pot on weekends. I like those flavored International House of Cream or whatever it is, and Sugar in the Raw, baby.

Sabreena: One thing I don’t suggest you write about is weight loss.

Me: Dude, don’t worry. You guys should ask my husband about what I am like when I am on a diet. (Hint: in need of a padded room and a milkshake). I am all for like people who eat healthy and run and whatnot (except when they brag about it, then I get stabby), but it just ain’t me. I’m a size 14 and will CONTINUE to repeat to myself that it’s the average American size despite media lies to the contrary. Being average= being mediocre= blog slogan.

A few other quick notes in answer to the comments: yes, my house is haunted but my ghosts are totally cool and all even though I am pissed at them for not doing the laundry. Chelsea Lately rocks (admitted to girl crush on her here). I love eating crabs and going out on friends’ boats in the summer in my home state of Maryland. My teenage parenting advice is here. And no, I’m not on crack but if pot was legal, I’d be sucking on a water bong right now (because someone told me smoking it burns your lungs and makes you cough).

The post asking you guys for post ideas inspired me to try to create a list for bloggers of post ideas, which reminded me I’ve been working on a ebook on blogging basics, which would be done if I wasn’t blogging all the time- and then that reminded me I should be pitching literary agents with a book proposal, but I hate rejection…and now I’m depressed.

See you guys back here tomorrow for my first-ever sex toy review?