Some days, I know just how she feels.
Look, no one said parenthood would be easy. I know that. And yeah, I know, whining about it will definitely make people say if you didn’t want kids, you shouldn’t have had FOUR!
But today I am the mood to rant about my two current parenting challenges. I usually refrain from giving day-to-day stories about my kids and how they are the most unique, brilliant children on the planet beause, dude, they aren’t, plus there are sooo many other blogs I hate doing that already. But once in awhile I just have to parentally vent. So suck it, haters.
Parental challenges of course vary over the years. Whether it’s when to start feeding solids, potty training, sharing with other kids, cross-dressing or whatever, usually as a parent you are going through something with one or more of your kids.
At this moment, I have ‘issues’ with two of my four kids. If you would like to offer parenting advice, keep it to yourself feel free to add a comment, but keep in mind judging me will only make you look like a douchehound is only fair if you are, in fact, perfect.
Parental Challenge #1
My teenager. She is going to be 16 in April and the fact that she gets her learner’s permit (to drive. a car.) is stressful enough for any parent, but she also happens to want her nose pierced. Now, being the in-house liberal, overly permissive parent, who has seen many non-Jerry Springeresque women with the small nose diamond thingy actually look kind of cute, I would let her do it. My husband’s dead body is now the obstacle she must ‘get over.’ I will obviously not let her get the piercing without his ok.
Here is an exact verbatim text conversation between me and my daughter last night (while she working at her job at the library and should’ve been shelving books, not bitchtexting her exhausted mother):
Sarah: (sends photo of book cover of NextGen Librarians, including girl with cute haircut, stylish glasses and you guessed it, nose piercing.)
Me: OMG you should totally get it! (note: I meant GET THE BOOK. I hadn’t even noticed the piercing)
Sarah: I would love to get it soon so I could take it out for fall play.
Me: Ask dad.
Sarah: Don’t care what he thinks. I am getting it done.
Me: Illegal without our permission*. Ask him.
Sarah: K’s mom would totally cover for me.
Me: Then you’d be dealing with ME being mad. I’d ground you and you’d never be allowed at K’s house again.
Sarah: Ugh I don’t see why this is such a big effing deal. My friend L isn’t allowed to watch freaking MTV and she is allowed to get her bellybutton pierced!
Me: That’s L’s mom’s values issue.**
Sarah: Wow you guys are pretty lame.
Me: I never said you couldn’t get it done so stop being a brat and just talk to your father.
Sarah: I’ll just do it myself.
Me: I would take away your phone. Ok, now I’m saying no too. Congrats on going from one vote to zero. Nice work.
Sarah: Whatever dude.
Me: Whatever backatcha.
Now, obviously there is much to be desired about the ‘conversation.’ I will say that since texting is her preferred method of communication, it’s mine as well in terms of (attempting to) communicate with her. Had this argument happened live and person, one or both of us would have ended up leaving the room, probably with door-slamming involved.
If I were a good parent, I would have made the decision with my husband about the piercing and then we would’ve been unified in the decision, which would have thwarted the argument up front. But, I’m not a good parent and my husband and I happened to not agree on the issue, hence the ensuing drama. I guess maybe the problem has solved itself since she ended up pissing me off by acting like a 12 year old (really? do it yourself? you can walk yourself to the hospital and pay that plastic surgeon to plug up your new goddamned nostril, too, honey).
Also, when did watching MTV become a worse offense than bellybutton piercing? Wait. I know: Jersey Shore.
Parental Challenge #2
My son. He is four. I joke about him being my little boyfriend. But it’s probably not funny.
After having three girls, a little boy is like the exclamation mark at the end of a long sentence. I am completely in love with him. The feeling’s mutual. Every day he tells me: “Mommy I love you AND I like you!” and he hugs me and brings my slippers, and makes me ‘bookmarks’ (Whenever I’m reading a book I have 10 bookmarks, many with Lightning McQueen or Buzz Lightyear stickers). It’s a total lovefest.
So what’s the problem, right?
Well, my husband is out of town four nights a week and Bobby sleeps in my bed. We curl up and read books and snuggle and then he sleeps there, but I am worred that 4 is too old for this, or I didn’t get the manual on raising boys that tells me how old is too old for him to sleep with me. I mean, really? If it were up to me I’d still be nursing him during halftime of his high school football games.
Paging Dr. Oedipus…
Also, if footie pajamas ever don’t come in the size that he is, I will hang myself. Since I had him when my oldest was almost a teenager, I had the perspective of how fast time goes and how I should just enjoy it.
So I am having bad mom guilt (I know, welcome to motherhood!) about being overly mama’s boyish or whatevs. Ugh. I hope he doesn’t send me snarky texts someday…
Well thanks for coming by to participate in this edition of My Kids Future Therapy Bills Suck. Feel free to add your $0.02 particularly if you’re trying to cheer me up!
* and I will totally call the cops, too. See ya in court.
** note: I was totally tempted to go all old-school on her: “If L jumped off a bridge….” or my own mom’s old fave, “I don’t care if THE POPE says you can do it!”
being the perfect parent I won't bore you with my advice… I have never had a son either but my youngest daughter used to get in bed with dad when i went off to work.. she eventually stopped..
As for the nose ring, same daughter, now older, wants one and her father and I both say no. The older has her belly button ring and we did that against her fathers wishes.. it can be covered and not need of a nose plug from the sugeon at a later date.
Good luck
So here is the thing, Marymac… my 10 year old just slept in my bed last night and totally begged to be able to sleep in it again. He was all sweet and huggy and kissy and innocent and I just wanted to cry.
Four is FINE! IMHO. Boys love their mommas. It is a love fest. (Until the first little girlfriend-bitch comes along and ruins it.)
Truly, the nose pin thing is not that big a deal- in most cases. I actually pierced my own, to tell you the truth. But here's two ideas:
-talk to your husband about how it's a small outward appearance thing that has no reflection on who she is, and if she is responsible and doing well in everything, he should let this tiny thing go. He might be open to a deal about letting her if she does well in school at end of term to underscore how good a kid she really is?
-If you want to dissuade her, you can tell her how I had some silver from my nose ring deposit in my skin and leave a nice big blue mark on my nose that people pointed out for years until I had a plastic surgeon cut out a piece of my nose. And paid for the pleasure.
And yes, I worry about coddling my boy too much too, because I am also becoming aware that I don't want to miss out on the little kid stuff I love. It's a hard line to walk, the strict versus the savouring.
Well I have no experience in parenting a teen. My oldest is six and the thought of her driving or wanting a nose piercing totally freaks me out. But, the conversation you had with her sounds like MANY I had with my own mother!
I wouldn't let her do it either without your husband's approval. Lucky for me, being a single mom – I don't have to factor in the spouses approval. haha. That might change soon though!
You just gave me an idea for a blog I want to write…
As for your son, first of all – he's a DOLL! Second, my son is 3-1/2 and sometimes I let him sleep in my bed (ok, A LOT). And while my back kills me in the morning I love it
I love that he still "needs me". I know that my daughter does too since she's only six – but she's very independent and not as clingy to me as my son is. I don't think there is a guide or a rule book that can say when is too old for him to be sleeping in your bed. Every family is different. He's only four, to me that's still so little 
P.S. If my mom knew HOW to text when I was in high school we would have had a LOT less slamming door/screaming matches at our house!
Okay I can feel a hatin' coming my way but your kids should not sleep in your bed to keep you company. Period. You are the big girl and can sleep alone. We should never parent our kids in a way that is filling our needs. The need to be needed by the young one because the older ones are ditching us is something you need to put aside. That is how they grow out of our nests.
I know, I know. You all hate me now.
The nose piercing…united front…always. For one thing it gives you time to gather your thoughts rather than giving a yes or no answer. "Okay Dad and I will talk it over and let you know" gets you off the hook. The biggest ploy a teen has is to divide and conquer. We are not our kids friends. They will have those (and you won't like most of them). They look to us to set limits so they aren't freefalling through life.
This doesn't mean I am against the piercing. Up to you guys.
I have two adult sons and the eldest was going to be the death of me. In fact I see you have a picture of me in the post. Good luck. You'll need it.
I don't have kids yet BUT my younger sister was given permission by our mom to get her nose pierced a few months ago. I was completely against it because she's only 15. Sure, I've had my nose pierced but by that time — I was 18, had a job, and was about to leave for college.
Well, now – my sister has no nose holes because it got infected and had to be taken out. So there! That'll teach her for trying to grow up before her time!
I think its great to vent, I can relate to your 16 year old as I have a now 19 year old who wanted something we didn't agree on either.
My 2 year old slept with me till he was 1 1/2 years old and still would be if it were up to me.
Vent away sister. I am always asking myself when I should stop letting my son come into my bed and how old is too old for him to be in the room when I'm getting dressed… Always worried… and he's only 21 months!!
Can't help you with the boy thing. Mine is four and when I was setting up my blog I was going to name him "Little Eddie" (think about it). Actually, the only reason I didn't was because I forgot. But I don't sleep with him because that's just sick! Just kidding. I totally would – he crawls in with me (I'd say us, but "he" is *way over there*, so it's really just with me) in the mornings some times and is JUST SO CUDDLY – but kids when they sleep somehow turn 90º with their feet in your ribs and that trumps cuddly Every Single Time.
The 16 year old? Not looking forward… My 9 yo already slams doors on me (she's so advanced for her age). Maybe I should try texting…
Yep, I'm ruining mine too… Finn jumps into bed with me every morning when Dave leaves for work and sleeps till 9:30. On weekends when Daddy is home, he makes sure the whole house is up by 8. He's only 2 1/2, but I hope it lasts till he's 4. I think it's fine as long as he is sleeping in his own bed just fine on the other three nights.
I have a love nest with my four year old boy, too. It was a little call DSS embarassing when at school he told his teacher he * loves * sleeping with me.
Oh, I remember having fights exactly like that with my mom when I was your daughter's age! And my sister just turned 16, so I hear it pretty frequently, lol. I know you said it was okay for her to get her nose pierced, but dad didn't, and I think it's important to stand together on decisions, so kudos for referring her to him. Quite honestly, I think the majority of kids between the ages of 13 – 17 are just full-out brats, so, if it's any consolation, lots of other parents (and teachers!) are dealing with the attitudes, too. Here's a fun fact for her: I had my nose pierced at the beginning of college and LOVED it. However, about 5 months in, it developed a keloid [sp?] so enormous and painful, I took out my nose ring to clean the ring and soak the keloid. To make a long (and mildly gross) story short, I couldn't get my nose ring back in due to all the pain, blood, etc. So… $40 down the drain after a mere 5 months.
And — I don't think your son is too old to sleep next to you. When he gets to kindergarten, some of those "mama's boy" things will start to fade away.
–>Your little boy is ADORABLE.
Makes me want to squeeze my just turned 3-year old. He and I cuddle at night, sit in the same recliner, lay together on the couch, etc. but he sleeps in his own bed (my husband and I barely fit in our bed anyway). I feel like I get the snuggling without making Dad "The Bad Guy" when it's bedtime and for being home.
As for the nose ring, maybe tell your husband she can have it but can't wear it to x, y and z locations. It's a compromise and it may just close up!
Well babe I can't say much.. spent my 0.02 cents on texting my 16 year old.. BUT I can offer you up this little nugget of hope http://www.bigfeetpjs.com/
Marybeth: THANKS!
JG: Bobby is not allowed to have girlfriends. EVER. His preschool teacher hugged him his first week of preschool and I almost pulled him out of school- I was like HOW DARE HE hug another woman! lol
kittenpie and candice: thanks for the gore- maybe she will read this and be afraid!
Lori: Not hate- we all have a right to our own opinions (and this blog is just a big megaphone for mine) but he wants to sleep in my bed as much if not more than i want him to- i myself would prob enjoy a quiet night in the bed alone! And i gotta say, I know the day is comin when he says 'i'm just gonna sleep in my bed tonight, mom' (even if it is in a text message)
Harmzie- dude, you're right, it's sick.
thanks for the insight, guys, appreciate!
I don't think 4 is too old.
I don't think 4 is too old – my daughter is 3 1/2 and occasionally she comes in the bed. But I do have rules. I like sleep. And when she's there, despite it being a king bed, she'll all up in my face. So, she's not allowed to sleep with us at night unless there's a storm. When Daddy leaves for work in the morning (5:#0) she inevitably hears him since our room is right next to hers, and then she's allowed to sleep with me until the baby wakes up.
I like the snuggles but I have to have limits or I'd lose my mind.
What I found with my nephew is that when he doesn't want to be in bed with you (that sounds bad I know) then he'll let u know! I think he was 10. it was the saddest day. So you have a while. As for the teen? It's just beginning!
All I can offer is what my mom tells me every time I called her crying, "I am a Jerry Springer mom. My kids are still doing or not doing XXXX."
She says, "Victoria…."
Yea, that's my real name. Only she calls me that. When I used to complain she says she could have named me Prudence so count my blessings.
Anyways, she says, "Victoria, they iare not going to go to collage still crawling, wearing pull ups, carrying her baba, eating from a bottle, chewing on a patsy, sleeping in bed with you, unable to tell time, tie her shoes,unable to button her pants, zp up her coat, ect…."
And neither will you sweet 4 yr old. xoxo
Your son is four? I think that's cute.
As much as I love my kids, today I feel like throwing them out of the window. Is that a common thought?
So is it because he's the opposite sex as you? LOL My almost 4yo daughter has been sleeping in bed with me since DH was deployed and I know how hard it's going to be to train her back to her bed when he comes back but I DGAF because we're alone and we miss Daddy! Plus when he was home she slept in her bed and snuck into our bed in the am when we were knocked out. So no, I don't see a problem whether your 4 yo isa boy or a girl!
No judging here. Maybe your daughter could get one of those fake nose piercings. The kind that have a magnet you stick inside your nose. Yeah, she'll probably think that's a lame idea.
As far as the 4 year old sleepin' with you, if you are both cool with it then go for it. It's not like you are Michael Jackson.
I have a total love/hate relationship with my 4 yr old. I swear nobody can love me like that boy does! He’s my snuggler, my smiles and I absolutely adore him! At the same time he’s starting to take advantage of this.
Still if the hubs is gone, he totally sleeps in my bed! Someone needs to keep me company! It’s not like he’s 13 and we are still cuddling. He’s freaking 4!
So cuddle away dear mama. He’ll only be 4 for (um…IDK a few more…maybe 12…months!) And then enjoy it while he’s 5 too, because chances are, once he hits between 6 and 8 … you’ll totally have cooties!
No on the nose piercing. May I recommend hunting down an old National Geographic of what a nose piercing will grow to look ike some day?
4 year old boy in bed? Once in a while, no bigger…
Granted, I haven't yet reached the stage where my son might be to old to snuggle, so take this with a grain of salt.
You're right when you say they grow up to fast, and next week or next year he probably won't want to snuggle with you, so get it all in now.
Four, five, six…who cares and what's the difference? (can you tell I'll never write a book?)
Sleeping is the only time they are quiet and who can it hurt? Squeeze that boy to pieces every second you can. He'll be blowing you off soon enough.
I have a friend who says we really shouldn't bother to save money for our kids' college. We should save for their therapy.
Piercing: I dunno. My parents banned me from getting my ears pierced until I was 15. I always found this to be ridiculous and they could never really articulate what was so horrible about it. When I was 16, I got my nose pierced. (Still pierced). I also have 8 tattoos. I still enjoy mortifying my mother with all the body-modification. (See? She should have just paid for therapy and not college). I don't think piercing is that big a deal. Most piercings will heal quickly if you remove the jewelry. Take her to a licensed piercer, rather than just have her do it herself or at the mall. Perhaps seeing someone whose face looks like a pincushion will make her change her mind. Or maybe she'll decide she wants more piercings. Either way, it's gonna be your fault.
Sleeping with the kid: Yeah, make the most of it while he still wants to be in the same room with you — awake or asleep.
As for your 4 year old…totally enjoy it while it lasts and it works for both of you…like other posters have said…he'll outgrow the mama phase quickly.
As for the teenage stuff…Lord help you! I'm not there yet and have no advice.
Looks to me that you love your kids and you're doing a good job!
Ok, My son & daughter are 6 & 4 and I have a strict rule with them. If they cop an attitude, the answer is no. Doesn't matter what the question is, the attitude drives me nuts so I just say NO to whatever it is. So I totally have your back with the piercing. And for the record there is a day goes by that I pray MTV goes back to simple music programming before my kids become old enough to want to watch it.
As far as your son goes well, mine is 6 and still ends up crawling into bed with us most nights. I don't fight it. It does go by too fast, I say suck up and drag every moment of it you can.
15 years from now he'll be sending you snarky texts and challenging your patience in a whole bunch of new and imaginative ways. So enjoy that lovefest for as long as it lasts…
I have 3 boys. The first one slept with us until he was 4, the second one I kicked out of the bed. I desperately needed sleep. The 3rd one will sleep with only one of us in the bed. He is pretty happy in his bed.
I would say 4 nights a week is no big deal. He will grow out of it so no worries.
No teenagers..yet…no girls..thank the Gods!
My take is since you are obviously divided. Come up with a compromise. One, she has to pay for it herself. Two, if it gets infected that is that. End of story it is gone until she is 18. Three, Have her wait 3-4 months to make sure she really wants it. Four, Atleast she is not asking for a tattoo.
Good luck..really I do mean it. MTV is only slightly better then VH1 for crap tv. Really who the hell is Ray J and why do I want his love..
No idea on the nosering thing… I don't have a teenager (yet) nor a daughter.
But I think if you're okay with having your son sleep in the bed with you, then that's all that matters. There will come a time soon enough that he won't want much to do with you, so I say cherish every moment you can now!
I totally get the lovefest with the little boy… mine with be 4 soon… nah… four’s not too old to be sleeping with you — especially if you don’t mind. he’ll be 14 in the blink of an eye. At least that’s what I tell myself when my 6-year-old daughter creeps, well, bounds, into my bed at midnight. For whatever reason the little one is a Good Sleeper, and the older one is a Bad Sleeper. She’ll fully be in my bed when she’s 14. Who am I kidding?
Oh, love the phrase bitchtexting. I can see that in my future, for sure.
So many opinions and good advice. I'm afraid I'd pull the old school because I said so. I wasn't allowed to pierce my ears until I was 15. My dad said if god wanted you to have holes in your ears he would have created you with them. Ha. I'd tell your DD, she's going to have to work on dad, and maybe they could come up with some agreement. You have to stand by your husband, it's important that she knows you two are a team and not to be divided.
The boy, of course he can sleep with you! Mine is now 11, my only bio child. When dad is out of town on business he still wants to sleep in my bed. Because mom has the big king pillow top bed…and you know it's mom's bed. Your son will be 16 and asking for a piercing of his own before you know it.
Enjoy all the snuggling and sleeping because they grow up soooooo fast.
I was once a teenage girl who was always pushing my mom's buttons and seeing exactly how far I could go. But when she was consistent with her boundaries and barriers, I would abide. 16 is tough since they know they only have a matter of 2 years before they're of legal age. They start acting like mini-adults. But if you and your husband keep up with your rules and boundaries together, she might still protest but at least she will understand that these things are not her decision…at least not yet!
As for your 4 year old, I don't see any problem with it at all. I say, to each their own when it comes to sleeping arrangements with their kids. And if it's only on occasion, it's most definitely not a big deal.
#1:You rock.
#2: I had my nose pierced at the age of, oh, something like 31? And no one (like my bosses or administrators or whatever) in my place of business (which is a high school. where I teach.) batted an eye. In fact, two other teachers went out and got their noses pierced right after me. I know, we live on the edge. I had it in for about a year when I knocked it out while I was sleeping, and the hole closed before I even woke up the next morning! So then I was pissed at having wasted the money when it closed up so quickly. But you can't even tell I ever had one. And my nose is HUGE. I don't know if any of that plays into your decision, but I thought I'd share.
#3: My hubby works nights and my kids slept with me until about a year and a half ago. It worked until they got too big, and by that I mean there was no room in the bed. My son was 5. No damage done. I think. But it's probably too early to know for sure.
You're daughter's older than me and I have my nose pierced. In the end, the fact that my mom was against it is what made me want it more. She told me I could get it and then decided that she didn't want me to have one, but she took me, hoping to talk me out of it. She didn't. Show her pictures of infected nose piercings…that makes the desire go away pretty fast. And make sure you know about all of the negative things that could happen before you go through with it. There could be scarring and HORRIBLE infections. That almost made me not want one. Good luck with that
I'll be 16 in September and my mom is also sitting the fence about the car thing. What's going to push her over the edge is all of my extra-curricular activities. If your daughter's a busy teenager, like me, than it's more like you're punishing yourself by having to driver her around. She sounds really responsible, from what I read in her blog and in yours, and it sounds like she deserves a car.
You better get used to the snarky-teen-door-slamming phase…you've got three more kids who you're gonna have to deal with at that age. You'll be a pro by the time you get to your son!
I'd be all for the nose piercing too. And since my kids' dad and I are divorced, he's against pretty much anything that I am NOT against. So…we have fun times ahead!
My son is 8 now and doesn't snuggle very often. We spent the first 5 or 6 years snuggling. He was a very cuddly child. Enjoy it and relax Mary… I was his whole world for a while, and now I'm just a small part of it… I know he still loves me as much, but at 8, he doesn't show it the same way as he did when he was 4. He's not a 'mammy's boy' anymore, and the way I started out, everyone expected him to be one. I guess they outgrow it on their own… so no stressing… just snuggle.. because when he outgrows it (which he will) .. you won't get to do it anymore, and you can look back fondly on the years you did get to do it.
My daughter is 12, so I'm not at the piercing stage yet. A lot of good comments/advice here though, especially about taking her to a reputable piercing place, thus making sure she doesn't do it at some half-arsed mall place. I agree that if she's doing well in other aspects of her life – grades, etc.. she deserves to get this done. You should convince your husband of that. It's only a small piece of jewellery, and it can be removed. If it were a tattoo, there would be no going back.
There are girls at my son's school who have their nose/eyebrow/bellybutton pierced and they are 10/11 years old. That's something I do not condone! But, she's 16. I'm in the UK and at 16, we are legally adults. I know it's different in the USA, but she seems like a sensible girl (I've read her blog) and I honestly think if you guys don't allow her to do this, she'll come up with something much worse, and then you are proverbially fucked!
Good Luck! I'll be expecting you to have all the answers by the time my DD is 16..
I see you're getting advice both ways regarding sleeping with kids and I'm just going to say — do whatever is best for you and your family. You'll know when it's ok and when it's not. (And before you take the "never, ever sleep with your kids" advice to heart think of all the cultures out there that do – and they grow up to be perfectly fine adults)
first time visitor – nice blog (found on networked blogs)
giving advice is easier than actually dealing with the issue. ALL of us can be experts on other people's kids.
teen issue – I think the bigger thing would be to get her to think about it a little longer. Did she do any research on it (not just medical but social too)? Can it be easily undone?
Little guy – I think it starts a bad habit.
thanks for letting my two cents for what is worth.
First time on your blog as well… loved it already. Hard to add my $0.02 after all the good comments… but let's try:
Re: nose piercing. I agree with the common front…and I would really insist on your daughter talking to her dad (and not you doing the intermediary :it's too easy). What kind of relationship do they have actually?
Re: sleeping. As long as he does not kick your husband out of the bed when he is home, why not? I love to cuddle with my kids but can't stand the moves/noise/waking me up too early… so we find other moments to cuddle and everybody sleep in their bed. Read you soon!
When my husband is away mine like to creep into the empty spot, and I love the company. Until they start wiggling too much, then I throw them out.
As for the nose piercing, I’d be more inclined to say no until she was 18, and then she’d be out of my juristiction, so I’d not be able to stop her.
You know, my son is only 6 months old and I can already relate to what you are going through. I don't EVER want him to grow up and leave me. In fact, I "joke" that we will homeschool him until he's 30 and then he can date when I'm dead. Ahhh, we mommies are such suckers for our boys, aren't we???
It's like the book …by robert munch
"I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
as long as I'm living
my baby you'll be."
If you ever STOP snuggling your baby boy just because he's too old them I will come kick you patooti .
Moms not snuggling their boys is why there is a generation of messed up men afraid to show affection and express their feelings.
My oldest son is 11 and the other night when H was away he asked to sleep with me. If he still wants snuggles – I'll take them
Besides, how is it fair if the 'baby' (mines a girl) gets all the night time snuggles ? That would make him feel left out.
I crawl onto his bed at night occasionally still and sing him lullabies. Really – if the general population knew this – the 'prefect ones' i am sure they would think i am whacked ! I'll take whacked over perfect … they'll appreciate it when my boys date their daughters and can actually express themselves with words and actions in a loving caring way ….
or they could let their daughters date the boys whose mother never showed them affection after age 3 – those boys grow up to be a real treat
SO SNUGGLE ON