Gingerbread Psychosis
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I have a little holiday condition called Gingerbread Psychosis.
This is the gingerbread house I made from scratch graham crackers last year for our church’s gingerbread contest.
It came in second place. Second fucking place. The cheating whore girl who beat me built two houses next to each other, which I personally think should’ve been disqualified. But, whatever. This year, I did not enter- needless to say, she won again with her practically-life-size church. I figured I would psych her out by not competing, and that then maybe she’d think it was safe to be on ‘gingerbread cruise control.’ Then next year I could build an entire church hall out of gingerbread so that you are actually entering my gingerbread house just to go to the Christmas Bazaar. By tripping her on her way in One way or another, she’s goin down.
It’s not that I’m a psychotically competitive freak, it’s really just that I love spending time with my children doing something fun together. heh, heh.
Here’s the table I set up for my kids to ‘make gingerbread houses’ – and by make them, I mean I’ve already made them and they’re going to just stick candy on them. These are the handy-dandy kits you buy at the grocery store- but dude, if you think you can give four kids a kit and let them go for it, you’ve never made a gingerbread house, They have to dry like forever before you can decorate them, so I assembled them and then they decorated them while I obsessed over my two-story 2nd place fucking loser own house.
Best part of this picture of little Kindergartener Faith assembling her house? Obviously, the hole in her tights. (Because I can be sure there are enough candy varieties for gingerbread decor, but I can’t be sure my kid has gone out the door on a cold December day in non-orphan-looking attire).
Note: if you are 3 when you’re making a gingerbread house, you get 5 graham crackers, not a $10 kit.
I am so proud. Molly’s efforts to get these peppermints straight on the roof are a promising sign she’s inherited my Gingerbread Psychosis Disorder.
Teens can have fun with mandatory, goddammit gingerbread house making, Here, Sarah adds a ‘Rock Band’ stage in front of her house.
It took me about five hours to make my 2nd place gingerbread house. One corner of it actually collapsed, sending me off to a fetal position in the corner of the kitchen, sucking my thumb and rocking back and forth. Thank God for a good shot of Jack and some structural candy canes.
I really feel Gingerbread Psychosis should be listed in the crazy book so that I can seek disability cash treatment.
Right after I win next year.
I have also taught my children that winning is far more important than protection from the elements (unless that’s the competition, suck it up.)
Awesome post. I love that you do this with your kids.
That’s just very, very cool. Love the blog & your sense of humor. “disability cash” hehehehe
Picture gingerbread house, as solid as the third pigs huff and puff proof building and two teen sons.
One son has a video camera. They are in the bathroom with the gingerbread house. What on earth would they be doing?
Younger son films older brother about to smash gingerbread (think concrete) house on his head.
Older son is surprised at how hard this house is as it slices its sugary edges through his scalp. He says bad words and trys to stop the ringing in his head. Personally I would have thought there would only be an echo in there.
I am so proud of my sons.
These local contests are all rigged. Every year our local paper runs a holiday recipe contest. And every year my awesome, homemade, from scratch recipes lose to shit made with velveeta, mayo, cream of crap soup and all bound together with ritz cracker crumbs. I haven’t discovered the joys of gingerbread houses yet but given my extreme OCD, I’d probably require a padded room AND 2 shots of Jack. BTW – your house is AWESOME.
I have a completely different approach – primarily because I do everything perfectly the very first time I try anything. So after I finish an exquisitely polished handmade holiday gift or piece of decor, I THEN mess it up so people will know it’s handmade instead of accuse me of purchasing something and slapping my signature on the bottom. I know, it’s exhausting being me.
What a fun thing to do with your kids. That’s what Christmas is all about.
The fetal position…. lol.
I like them all together. It is really pretty.
I don’t have your talent in terms of gingerbread, but I have a similar condition in other areas. LOL I like the idea of Sarah’s rock band stage! Maybe you two should collaborate on a Rockin’ Gingerbread House next year, complete with limos waiting outside and Santa and his reindeer dancing on the roof. Granted it may not be as impressive to the judges as an entire church hall done in gingerbread. But I bet the kids would love it.
Next year perhaps the competition can have an “accident” on the way to delivering her own creation.
It looks like your kids had a great time! I too would be making sure all my candies were straight.
My youngest’s birthday is Dec. 23. Two years ago I had 15 kids making gingerbread houses for the party. I bought and built every one of them, then supplied all the candy.
Surprisingly, very little alcohol was involved.
Mom of the year, or what?
OCD… I know that feeling. Dude, my husband does the gingerbread house making with the kids. Because he is OCD like that. That basically means that he won’t let them touch it because it won’t be flippin’ perfect. Essentially he lets them tell HIM where to put it. “But they get to choose the colors!”
Yeah, they never got to paint much either.
Looks like fun. Mine looked like a retarded dog opened the box, ate everything, and took a steaming dump on the table. Well, if I made one it would look like that.
Dude. Move away from the gingerbread. Slowly. AND. One other thing. If anyone at your church ever gets a hold of this website, you are SO going to have to move. Might I recommend the west coast?
This post seriously had me rolling. Exactly how long is your kitchen table? I’m amazed at your gingerbread house assembly line.
I am sure you are going to be able to take those bitches down this year!
thanks for comin by, guys.
Maya- you’re right- elements be damned when the competition is ON!
Dani, Channin, Jayne, Vodka, rougeneck: aww thanks!
Stephanie: Gingerbread Mafia will def be discreetly involved next year!
Lori: is there a Youtube link?!
MaryAnne: the Rock Band thing could work if there’s actual music coming out of it…hmmm….
JG: your hub can come over and be in charge here next year!
Karen: is there Gingerbread liqueur?!
mepsipax: you might have a winning idea there…
@ooph, when you come for BlogHer ’10, the East Coast is not letting you go back.
Mayhem&Moxie: thanks for stoppin by! Just your average length kitchen table (luckily fits the 6 of us!)- it’s an old 40s red set I got to match my vintage Campbell’s Soup Kitchen..my grandfather worked for them in Joisey.
ALL OF YOU: I appreciate comments SO, so much. Have been getting less lately and freaking out “OHMYGOD ARE THEY ALL SICK OF ME?!?!?” am hoping it’s cuz everyone’s busy due to Christmas (butttt, it’s prob that I suck).
Lord Lori’s comment cracked my ass up so bad that I can’t even comment.. BUT I will be building a gingerbread house and making the “suggestion” to my teen son that he try the same thing ala youtube. CHA CHING!
I love Gingerbread Houses! LURVE THEM!!!
So freakin’ awesome. I am not at all an ultra competitive psychopath either. Nope. Not I!
I suggest wangling yourself an invite to the aforementioned winner’s house and sabotaging her flour or something. That’s always acceptable in competition. Maybe.
Love the kid’s houses though, that looks so much fun! And you have a molly too! Snap! Unless it’s a psudonem, and she’s really called Agatha, and in that case SHAME ON YOU.
This is so nice, my kids and I are planning on making our this weekend. I too love to do things with my kiddos it is so much fun to see their little eyes sparkle.
–>I love your “focus” on coming in first. Good luck next time!
When are they going to stop allowing cheating whores in church? I mean, come on.
Nice work!
Beautiful house.
I don’t do houses any more b/c of the perfectionism. The one I did do (which proved my theory) would have totally taken down any cheating whore for you AND punched a nun for you – ok a picture of a nun.
Mine was an *engineered* masterpiece L-shaped mansion. Baked from scratch. So I had to get those fucked up roof angles *just* right. Something about that experience broke my brain (swear I heard a “ping”) and I’ve only ever bought the kits since.
For the kids.
Yes, a duplex shoud totally be disqualified.
Gingerbread people freak me out. I decorated a bunch and went back into my kitchen late at night and all the white outlines looked like a gingerbread massacre.