I was going to do this thing where like I post 12 funny Christmas posts for the 12 days leading up to Christmas, but then I remembered that I am nowhere near that fucking organized.

I am not, at the moment, feeling the Christmas spirit this year. I don’t know why. I’m mad at my husband for acting like so much of a douchebag that if he doesn’t apologize soon I am totally going to blog about him, and also I hate stressing about money, and then the radio plays like the fucking Christmas shoes song, and the Dan Fogelberg song Auld Lang Syne where the snow turns into rain and …

Jesus Christ, Christmas, YOU ARE SO OVERRATED!*

Between the baking, the gifts, the cards, the money, the decorating, the eating, the hangovers, and the kids home for two weeks.. you know what?

I am breaking up with you, Christmas. I am just not that into you. 

Christmas, I am writing a little breakup song about you. Then I’m going to make a hostile break-up mix tape (it’s going to be a cassette, too, so you have to go looking around for a cassette player on ebay) which shall include some new hits like “Away With a Stranger”, “Snark the Herald Angels Sing”, “Jingle Hellz”, and “The Little, Dumber Boy.”

Here’s my first installment in your breakup mix tape (in which I am polite and instead of saying “Fuck Christmas”, which would be un-Jesusly, I am simply saying EFF Christmas):

The 12 Days, EFF Christmas

On the first day, Eff Christmas, net shoppers gave to me: slow connections on the web.

On the 2nd day, Eff Christmas, the mall will give to me: 2 Aching Feet  (and slow connections on the web.)

On the 3rd day Eff Christmas, the schools all gave to me: 3 “Winter Parties” (2 Aching Feet, and slow connections on the web.)

On the 4th day, Eff Christmas, my children gave to me: 4 Santa lists. (3 Winter Parties, 2 Aching Feet, and slow connections on the web.)

On the 5th Day, Eff Christmas, my radio gave to me… 5 Annoying Songs  (4 Santa lists, 3 Winter Parties, 2 Aching Feet, and slow connections on the web.)

On the 6th Day, Eff Christmas, my credit cards gave to me: 6 Months of Bills (5 Annoying Songs, 4 Santa lists, 3 Winter Parties, 2 Aching Feet, and slow connections on the web.)

On the 7th Day, Eff Christmas, some cookies gave to me: 7 Extra Pounds  (6 Months of Bills, 5 Annoying Songs, 4 Santa lists, 3 Winter Parties, 2 Aching Feet, and slow connections on the web.)

On the 8th Day, Eff Christmas, the community gave to me: 8 Holiday Gatherings  (7 Extra Pounds, 6 Months of Bills, 5 Annoying Songs, 4 Santa lists, 3 Winter Parties, 2 Aching Feet, and slow connections on the web.)

On the 9th Day, Eff Christmas, my family gave to me, 9 People Hard to Buy For (8 Holiday Gatherings, 7 Extra Pounds, 6 Months of Bills, 5 Annoying Songs, 4 Santa lists, 3 Winter Parties, 2 Aching Feet, and slow connections on the web.)

On the 10th Day, Eff Christmas, some people sent to me: 10 Braggy Form Letters  (9 People Hard to Buy For, 8 Holiday Gatherings, 7 Extra Pounds, 6 Months of Bills, 5 Annoying Songs, 4 Santa lists, 3 Winter Parties, 2 Aching Feet, and slow connections on the web.)

On the 11th Day, Eff Christmas, my inlaws gave to me: 11 Calls About Presents  (10 Braggy Form Letters, 9 People Hard to Buy For, 8 Holiday Gatherings, 7 Extra Pounds, 6 Months of Bills, 5 Annoying Songs, 4 Santa lists, 3 Winter Parties, 2 Aching Feet, and slow connections on the web.)

On the 12th Day, Eff Christmas, my Uncle Jack gave to me: 12 Hours of Headaches  (11 Calls About Presents, 10 Braggy Form Letters, 9 People Hard to Buy For, 8 Holiday Gatherings, 7 Extra Pounds, 6 Months of Bills, 5 Annoying Songs, 4 Santa lists, 3 Winter Parties, 2 Aching Feet, and (slow, dramatic ending…) slow connections on the web.                                                                                                                                     

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So there ya have it. Look, I will try to muster up some Christmas cheer and stop being such a bad banana with a greasy black peel and all at some point but for now, I just want you to know, Christmas:

I only like you as a friend.

*you will note that I did, in fact, keep the Christ in Christmas.