I don’t just love New York. I mean, the “I heart New York” shirts are cute, but I like this better:*

I just want to wrap New York City and all of its culture and gorgeous people and shopping and gay guy cologne smells and spectacular food and booze into a huge, glittery, pulsating vibrator and fuck the living hell out of it all night long. Seriously. Like and we could make a porno out of it for Youtube- so instead of “Debbie Does Dallas” it would be like “Marymac Molests Manhattan.”

As you may recall, I drove up to NYC this week to attend the BlogHer Holiday Party. It was Thursday night, which meant (due to school days/church Christmas bazaar prep early Friday and being too broke to take the Acela) I had to drive up and back (7 hrs total) the same day. This, needless to say, was a stupid, insane thing to do.** However, guess how often I’m invited to a cool holiday party in a posh Madison Avenue sushi bar? If you guessed ZERO, you’re correct!! This was the first time. Ever. And it was probably by accident and I won’t be invited anywhere ever again. So I HAD to go!

Plus, I didn’t want to wait til the conference next August to meet other cool bloggers, driving in the car alone for 7 hours with no kids didn’t actually sound like that bad of a gig to me, AND (major reason) I proposed a speaking gig in the writing track at BlogHer ’10 NYC, so I wanted to take the opportunity to schmooze the BlogHer people.

I tried to do this thing where I like tweeted my trip up there, and I took (lame sucky phone) pictures and twitpic’ed them and so forth but I didn’t know how to make my (brilliantly written) captions stay with the pix and whatnot, and the next thing I knew I was drinking martinis in a very dark restaurant, so ended up doing a really bad ‘road trip’ blog job and will work harder next time to like get better technology and someone to go with me. (Right now I will not mention Those Bloggers We Shall Not Speak Of, two Maryland friends who were supposed to go with me but bailed. Ahem.)

Here’s a little recap:

Me, driving (note Maryland countryside in background) wearing dorktastic red sequined blouse which is probably way too dressy for event.

My boots, which are way uncomfortable and which my teenage daughter hates and called ‘too Halloweenish’ were removed after an hour and commenced riding shotgun. I started talking to them, ala Tom Hanks in Castaway and his volleyball Wilson.

Here is where I ate dinner with Jon Stewart and Billy Joel. (and the Easter Bunny.)

Now then. I had been looking all over Twitter and Facebook trying to find SOMEONE else who was going to this party and everyone was ignoring me I couldn’t find anyone else who was making the trip from the area so we could carpool. However, I did get a shout out from Jason @OutnumberedIsMe (http://www.outnumberedonline.com/) that if I needed a place to hang out before the party, I could stop by his office a few blocks away. Perhaps horrifyingly for him, I took him up on it.

Jazzon (I shall from this point forward refer to him as Jazzon, which is the Frenchesque pronunciation I told him I remembered from back in school when I took French- and he is French and I am French, and yeah, he’s smoking NYC hot and I would totally French him if he wasn’t so busy making out with Redneckmommy on twitter all the time) is a bigwig NYC Ad Agency dude and I want to work in his office so I am going to apply to be his Lobby Fixer. Peruse my mad lobby fixing skills:

Blurry ‘Before’ pic of Jazzon’s lobby, where I want to live and work and make out with people.

After. I read and straightened magazines, fixed pillows, and ate the last Reese’s. Shouldn’t he totally hire me?

Even the BATHROOMS are funny at a cool NYC ad agency.

Other reasons to work at NYC ad agency: in addition to a KEG and foosball and a huge living room with cable TV, there are also Grey Goose and jars of candy. Sooo, I’m sorry to deliver the news this way to my husband and four children, but, ummm NYC-ya!

Also I got to meet Trevor, who works in Jazzon’s office and who I nearly ditched the BlogHer party to go to the Gay Rights March with. He let me open the Grey Goose (which was at his desk, making him the coolest dude on earth) and he rocks- hope I get to see him again when I am in my new job as Head Pillow Straightener. Here’s Jazzons et Moi’s self-portrait, which proves the streets of NYC are way better lit than the bars:

So after letting me hang out a bit in his Coolest Office in America, Jazzon walked me over to the BlogHer party, though he sadly couldn’t go. On the way, J bought me a quick drink:

and I am super thankful to him for being such a great host. And in advance for hiring me. (When I got out of the Lincoln Tunnel and immediately got lost I called and- since I’m a GPS-less fucktard- he ‘talked me in’ though I’m sure he was a little annoyed when he was like ‘Uptown or Downtown’ and I was like “Um, yes?” because I had no clue what he was talking about.)

Now. The BlogHer party. Ok, since I suck and it was so dark, I only have ONE photo from inside the party:

This is me and @Neilochka. I was so excited to meet him (and @MagpieMusing beside him) that I dashed across the lobby at Pranna (the posh Madison Ave sushiyummy) and went to sit down on what I thought was a bench but was actually a coffee table that I promptly UPENDED, sending candles and wax flying all over Manhattan.

So my entrance to the BlogHer Christmas party consisted of me, flat on my ass, Halloweenish boots up in the air, the contents of my purse strewn all over the floor, splattered by burning candle wax.

Apparently, New York, I can’t make it here and thusly will never make it anywhere.

The party was surreal and dream-like. Of course the food was fab. The decor was stunning- there were cubbyhole celebrity nest thingys around the wall, with curtains to pull if you’re so famous you’re getting bugged by the paparazzi. I ended up in this cozy corner cubby thingy with (remember? my new policy of speaking in twitternames…) @GeorgeGSmithJr @MarinkaNYC @CecilyK @dooblehvay and @MommasGoneCity (still hangin with @Neilochka and @MagpieMusing even after they had seen my embarrassing ass-view). It was bliss.

Loved meeting Jory Des Jardins, one of the founders of BlogHer, and I am still fingers-crossed about speaking next August at the conference ( I promise not to knock over any furniture!). Special thanks to Neil for walking me out- so gentlemanly! I even found someone leaving my parking garage to follow back to the Lincoln Tunnel, and then like in Cinderella, it was all over and I was back in my shabby sweatpants and pumpkin.

But first? On the way home, when I stopped to buy caffeine and pee? I got out of my pumpkin-shabby 2001 Jeep and looked down at my black skirt to see that I had white wax dripping and splattered all down one side. It reminded me of Cameron Diaz in There’s Something About Mary, if you catch my drift, and I was like ooommggg this was all over my skirt at the party amd howmanypeopleSAW IT? and thankgoditwasdark and IguessthisismylastinvitetoNYC. Also, the next morning, I could not even move one side of my bruised fat ass.

Guess I’m better suited in pajamas drinking coffee here in the suburbs than I am for being all city-chic and so forth.

I may be married to Maryland, but I totally want to have a hot affair with New York City.

* and not just because it totally shows off my mad Microsoft Paint skillzz.

** I am nothing if not the doer of insane, stupid things.