Once Upon A Crappy Christmas
36
Once upon a time, there was a husband. He loved his dear wife and they had many beautiful children together. He wanted to thank her for her hard, endless days as a mother and wife with a special gift. So he trudged out into the snow in search of the perfect Christmas gift for her.
On Christmas Eve, after the children had been tucked into bed with visions of sugar plums dancing in their heads, the man brought his gift to the woman, who opened it with great enthusiasm, since he had inadvertently not even gotten her a goddamn birthday present that year.
With It’s a Wonderful Life playing in the background and under twinkling white lights while drinking egg nog, the woman excitedly unwrapped the gift. What she found inside was
a motherfucking electric hedge trimmer.
That’s right. boys and girls. A motherfucking hedge trimmer. For trimming hedges. And not of the porn variety.
She looked up at her husband and cocked her head to the side, wondering what had possessed him to think that shopping at a home improvement store was a good idea for a Christmas gift for someone other than himself. She smiled and pretended to like the gift, even though the least he could have done was gotten her a goddamn gas powered hedge trimmer so she could pretend she was all Texas Chainsaw Massacre and whatnot and not have to keep trimming through the electric fucking extension cord and sending sparks and dead squirrels flying all over their quaint small town.
The next year, after she had spent 364 days alternating between reminding him he owed her a decent Christmas gift and not speaking to him, she anxiously awaited Christmas Eve. What would it be this year? A new goddamn vacuum cleaner?* So she opened the large box and found? A Swiffer. A SWIFFER. For MOPPING FLOORS.
She decided at that point that any judge in the land would grant her a justifiable homicide verdict, and she contemplated smashing together two glass Christmas ornaments and driving the tiny glass shards into his eyeballs.
Then? The man told his wife to ‘go ahead and open it.’ She responded politely that no thank you, she really didn’t feel like mopping the motherfucking kitchen floor on Christmas Eve thankyouverymuch and that she was sure it worked fine. He insisted she open the box. She did, and pretended to be interested in the shiny new mop, while mentally reassuring herself that the courthouse would be open the day after tomorrow.
But you know what, kids? At the bottom of the box, there was a smaller box. And inside that box? Were diamond earrings.
And they lived happily ever after, as long as he remembers where to shop- and where not to shop.
The moral of the story is? Gifts that come with electrical cords are grounds for divorce.
*unless it was a Dyson Ball because that would freaking rock.**
** No they’re not fucking sponsoring this post. I wish.
*** or pink with knobs on and a heated tip?
Wow, your husband gives awesome gifts….oh, and the diamond earrings are okay, too.
Now aren’t you glad you let him live to see the next Christmas??
A hedge trimmer? I seriously would bust a cap in Hubby’s ass if he did that. I am in the market for some new diamonds, though! But really, who isn’t?!
…..And I thought I had it bad. At least he made up for it!
it’s been 2 birthdays, 1 christmas, 1 valentines day and 1 anniversary since I saw a present or any akowledgement towards myself that it was a special day from my darlin’ husband.
This year he’s on his final strike. If he fails this Christmas the shit WILL hit the fan.
I quite like what your husband did by hiding the diamonds at the bottom of the box. Very clever
Gifts that come with electrical cords are grounds for divorce….is going to be one of my new Xmas ornaments this year!
Just in case he gets stupid in his old age
Thanks for possibly saving his life (-:
Thanks for the laugh this morning – I needed it!
My uncle on purpose would buy my aunt Christmas gifts for himself. Every year. One year her got here a cool leather motorcycle jacket.Yeah, she did not have a motorcycle, but he did! So she got smart and started shopping for herself and let me tell you, she has since gotten some wonderful Christmas gifts! A cruise one year, a new car another year… So one year I did that to my mom. I found these really cute jeans for me in my size and wrapped them and put my mom’s name on them. She actually thought that I did not know her size ( several sizes smaller than me, btw) until I said, oh wow, these are my size! I did get her something else, but she did not know that at the time. She was mad!
Ugh. Don’t even get me starting on stupid frickin’ Christmas. I am NOT looking forward to it this year.
It’s my birthday, too.
Normally I love this time of year. Not this year. I’m kind of hoping it is over quickquick.
fucking hysterical post.. welcome back xxx
I think I got a hedge trimmer for a bday once. We have a Dyson..it vacuums..bfd..
As for cords, I’m ok with them as long as it is an ipod, pc or the like..
Sounds like something my husband would do, not the diamonds but the electrical gifts!
Oh yeah, crappy present up front, but big kudos to him for the fake-out — that dude is showing he has style. Like it!!!!
As K and I head into our second holiday season together, we have a new system – in September was in the store and called over, he showed me a Burberry bag (yep a man-bag) that was too much $, and said “Wow, honey, this would be a great Christmas present”.
Deal done, no stress, he is getting exactly what he wants and I am totally happy. Now just wondering what the hell I am getting…!
That’s right up there with the time my husband gave me a DVD of Saving Private Ryan for Valentines Day. Douche.
LMAO!!!!
Haha! Too funny! I needed that laugh this morning.
I have to say, my dh is great at the gift giving process.
Of course, that’s because I buy it, wrap it, and place my name on it.
I ALWAYS get what I want.
In fact…he(I) am getting ready to buy my Christmas present tomorrow. A brand new camera. He loves me so much.
If he ever gave me a hedgetrimmer…he’d be hard pressed pulling it out of his arse.
I just got a new gas stove and had a couple people ask if it was for Christmas.
Hell no. He eats here too. Maybe it could be his Christmas gift instead. All the yummy food he can eat.
I did get a scroll saw for my birthday one year and my mother in law almost tore her son’s head off. Funny thing is it was just what I had asked for.
A dyson would *totally* be the same as diamond earrings in my book! Also: anything Krupps.
As awkward as gifts are between myself and my husband (in both directions – probably worse from me to him), I’m actually fortunate, as he witnessed his father giving his mother MF fondue forks for Christmas. Yeah. NOT exactly the fonduing type family. They were just cool looking forks that had different coloured knobs on the end. He’s lucky he wasn’t impaled with one of them. That moment (and perhaps the look on his mother’s face) stuck with him and he has been much more careful.
HAHAHA seriously one of the best blogs I’ve ever read. Laugh OUT LOUD. I’ve gotten food processors, woks, sports sweaters (when I’m NOT the sport fan HE IS)…it’s ridiculous! All year long I drop hints about oooo look at that ring that’s pretty, or man I wish I had a day at the spa…HELLOOO open your ears! LOL Thanks for this – put a smile on my face.
LMAO……sounds like my husband!! i get toaster ovens and coffee pots!! but also there are the years i get rings and expensive things like that!!! but poor guy can’t win cuz then i bitch about “how much $$ did that cost?”
thanks for stopping by to follow and comment…glad you enjoyed it and btw …. I Love your Blog too!!
love to laugh!! xoxo
LOL!
The Husby got me pots and pans for my last birthday. Man, all I really wanted to do on my birthday was whip up a 6 course meal, thank goodness I had the means to do so!
Thanks for the laugh this morning
Too funny…. sounds like you have trained him from his initial faux pas… diamonds are a girls best friend!
Last year, on Boxing Day, my husband landed home from the sales with a grind and brew coffeemaker and a robot vacuum. He was smart enough to give me the coffeemaker first, because I love my coffee. He told me the robot vacuum was to “help me keep the house clean.” I promptly named it Spot and refuse to learn how to operate it. If he wants to “help me keep the house clean”, he can use it.
Worst though, was the year he put an IOU in my birthday card…Once his head grew back, he has not done that since.
–>My husband gave me a “fancy” gumball machine for Christmas and was so damn excited about it too. This year he received a wishlist.
That’s exactly why I give my husband a list. Although his heart’s in the right place, he’s way too practical. And I’m afraid that I too, would end up with something similar more “useful” than “likeable”.
I have to say that my husband has gotten me amazing Christmas presents. I got pearls the year before we were getting married, the matching earrings for my birthday, and the bracelet as my wedding gift. Last year, he got me a very pretty pair of earrings.
I, in retrospect, give crappy gifts. I got him a VCR two years ago. That’s not a joke, either. I thought he might want to watch all the wrestling tapes that fill my basement office.
But to be fair, I did get him front-row balcony tickets for our anniversary. So, even stevens, my friend.
I can think of way better things to chop off than his head if he buys you another power tool. Don’t let him be lulled into thinking just one set of diamond earrings will make up for such a horrible gaf by him. You tell him, “If you give your wife diamond earrings. Chances are…she’ll want a necklace to go with them.”
That is too funny! I once got a vacuum cleaner so I feel ya! ;0)
That’s awesome – I love that he snuck in the hint to clean the floors!
I would shit my pants if Jesse ever got me diamond ear rings. Oh and kick his ass because I don’t have my ears pierced. ha! But yeah, I don’t get presents. I don’t ask for them either. I only get flowers if they get sent to his work and the office manager tells him to take them home.
The only jewelery I have ever gotten I bought for myself. Which is good and bad I guess. Oh and if I ever get a ring from him, I have to pick it out and most likely pay for part of it. Ohhh the love!
Ha! Love this post. And I love that husband finally wised up! Admittedly, my own husband does a damn good job with the presents. However, tearing out pictures of wanted items from magazines to leave on his desk helps. =)
-Aimee
The rule in our house is nothing with an electrical plug unless it’s for my pleasure.
You totally wouldn’t have been convicted if you offed him after getting a hedge trimmer for Christmas. Any woman on the jury would have made sure of that.
A bong. A fucking bong.
My husband has yet to live that one down. I’ve smoked pot like 5 times in my life (okay, it’s more like 25 times) but what was he thinking? That I needed a new hobby? He didn’t even include any pot with that crappy bong!
I would have taken that Swiffer over a fucking bong any day.
LOL on all these comments you guys!
Amanda? I’ll trade you my hedge trimmer for your bong.
I should have thought to add anything electrical for my pleasure would be an exception to the ban. HA!
Also, I am surprised he hasn’t come on here and commented this yet, but when I told my hubby I was writing this post today he said “Did you tell them I got you a diamond anniversary band two years later, too?!”
And I didn’t. So (since ooph.com pointed it out)- yeah it was def all ‘Give a mommy earrings and she’s going to want a ring to go with them.’
Come to think of it a necklace would be nice this year… how many years do you guys think I can milk this hedge trimmer guilt?!
As always, THANKS to all of you for stopping by!
Hilarious!! He did redeem himself with the diamond earings. Nice save, Mr. MaryMac. From the get go I told husb anything related to houseworks is off limit, unless I asked for it. And I feel the same love for Dyson: I asked for one for birthday a few years back. The new Dyson Ball looks even better. For the past few years, we stopped giving each other presents though.
Haw Haw! Well, Sistah, my husband got me bubble bath for my 40th birthday. My thought? “Do I LOOK like a 3rd grade teacher?” And, “In 14 years how many baths have you seen me take?”
Glad your guy got a clue. Nice job.
I solved this problem years ago. My husband is clueless when it comes to buying gifts. Each year I give him a list of 5 things I really want. This way he keeps all of his limbs and I get something I want. It’s a great compromise and this will be our 9th Christmas together so so far so good! Keep em’ coming, I love your blog.